Wednesday, June 2, 2010

106 - Check CONTACT LENSES, then Prove INNOCENCE

This is the alt text. Awesome!
You take a moment to check your contact lenses, which you obviously popped in to better stare intently at the SHADOWY FIGURE not too long ago. Things are so much clearer with them in. So much more... resolution-y.

In any case, you believe the best defense is a good defense, so you put on your best drawl and, with a collection of hastily assembled exhibits and displays, begin a court room style GUILE ATTACK!

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While the items should speak for themselves, you decide that you should also speak for them.

RHYS: To begin with, I believe that it should be stated as plainly as possible, that that ROKKIT JUICE was not, under any circumstances, placed into the MULE KICK VENDING MACHINE CAN RETRIEVAL AREA by myself, or any of my associates. So don't kill me or the guy with me whose name I still haven't asked. As this diagram illustrates, my belief when I placed my VARIOUS MONIES into the MACHINE was that I would acquire a cool, refreshing MULE KICK from the machine. Putting VARIOUS MONIES into a MULE KICK VENDING MACHINE does not ordinarily produce a can of ROKKIT JUICE. So don't kill us. Exhibit A shows the CAN that I found during my transaction. Exhibit B shows the TOOTHBRUSH that I intended to use after imbibing said THEORETICAL MULE KICK, since it is beneficial to do so to prevent PLAQUE, GINGIVITIS, and TOOTH DECAY. Exhibit C (alternately, Witness A) is the proprietor of this EMPORIUM OF PEANUTITUDE, who saw me pull the CAN out of the MACHINE, but did not see me or anyone with me place it inside. In conclusion, it must have been placed there by a MALEVOLENT THIRD PARTY so please don't shoot ME, US, or HIM.

(SUCCESS!) The dangerous-looking folks stare, flabbergasted.
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The young man in front speaks up.

YM?: OK, that's good and all. But my question, GENTLEMEN, was asking which of you found the CAN. You're entitled to a free SODA. I wasn't actually accusing either of you GENTLEMEN of flagrant corporate sabotage.
RHYS: You weren't?
YM?: No. We at the MULE KICK CORPORATION have had attacks like this at many of our VENDING MACHINES around the world, vicious attacks by those dang ROKKITEERS from the ROKKIT JUICE CORPORATION.
RHYS: Oh. OK, then.
GWC: Why are there so many of you?
YM?: My name is LARS MUELLER, I'm the son of the PRESIDENT of the MULE KICK CORPORATION. These other men are TOPKNOT, PIERCE and the various GENERIC GUARDS that make up my security detail. I'm out here in the WEST to... examine the ONGOING SITUATION in our... CONFLICTS with the ROKKITEERS and other SODA FACTIONS in this REGION. We just happened to be nearby when you... GENTLEMEN reported this attack.
RHYS: It wasn't really an attack, per se....
LARS: Oh? And who might you be?
RHYS: Marshal Rhys O'Callahan, the Marshal!
LARS: Oh, a local... LAWMAN. Yes. Well, since you were the one to find that ACCURSED ROKKIT CRAP, feel free to pick a free soda from among the four varieties on TOPKNOT'S TABLE.
TOPKNOT: from left to right. mule kick classic. diet mule kick. mule energy drink. mule kick hallucinogenic vision potion.
LARS: Which would you like... LAWMAN?

>Get and Drink BEVERAGE

6 comments:

Justin K. Thompson said...

Remove CONTACT LENSES.

Take MULE KICK HALLUCINOGENIC VISION POTION.

Mike said...

Take MULE KICK HALLUCINOGENIC VISION POTION. quickly drink it regardless of the consequences.

Ryan said...

Take the can of diet mule kick as we learned previously that we cannot yet handle a regular can of mule kick.

Nash said...

Describe the hallucinogenic symptoms of your last experience with mule kick and ask what kind that was. Then, get that kind and drink it down.

Shar said...

Mule Energy Drink

also, wear the sheriff STAR

Kyle said...

Remove CONTACT LENSES.

Ask about ROKKITEERS.

Choose MULE KICK CLASSIC.