Wednesday, August 30, 2017

435 - Chat with SURVIVORS

You drop the HAMMER and collect your PAN FLUTE before turning past the only-peripherally-visible TOURIST (MALE) to chat with the other SURVIVORS, TOURIST (FEMALE) and MARK. They both seem somewhat startled by SOMETHING behind you, but you just came from that way, so you know it's totally safe. All DANGER has been safely contained.

Since you're so safe and all, you might as well remark on your SURROUNDINGS in the LIBRARY. The DOORWAYS to the WEST and EAST have been haphazardly boarded up using BOARDS (all of which have been used). The WINDOW to the NORTH has also been boarded up. There are two BOOKSHELVES filled with BOOKS, and the one to the EAST also holds an EGG TIMER while the one to the WEST has a small MINIATURE (from a WARGAME you are intimately familiar with) on top of it. Around the room are also a TABLE, two STOOLS, a BROCHURE STAND (bracing the EASTERN BARRICADE), your BUCKLED HAT, a POTTED PLANT, a POSTER, a MUSKET, a SECURITY CAMERA, a SPIDERWEB, and a SPIDER. That's probably everything.

Great. Now you can relax because obviously everything is fine.

>Chat with MARK

Monday, August 28, 2017

434 - Finish boarding up DOORWAY

You finish boarding up the DOORWAY. Thank goodness for that random pile of BOARDS and NAILS here in the LIBRARY.

Finally, EVERYTHING is totally fine and NOTHING is going wrong for you.

Nothing left to do now but wipe the SWEAT off your BROW and turn around to talk to the other SURVIVORS.

>Chat with SURVIVORS

Friday, August 25, 2017

433 - Let the GAMES begin

All right.

Your MODELS are deployed in a classic FORMATION, refusing the right flank. With your RANGED attacks and your OPPONENT's lack thereof, you'll be able to take out the ENEMY as they approach, also using your DRAGONEER to skirmish and your SNIPER to pick off high value TARGETS. By the time the BATTLE ends, you'll have killed several of his PIECES and he won't even reach your FORCES. It's a solid plan. After all, you're a CAPTAIN and well-versed in TACTICS and SKIRMISH WARFARE.

Plus, as your OPPONENT begins his first turn of moving PIECES around, he is repeatedly slowed by the need to recite, in a language he's not totally familiar with, the names and moves of his LUCHADORES.

You've got this all wrapped up. The only way you could delay it any further was if you had the SCHOLAR'S AUTONOMOUS DRONING ability. As your OPPONENT stammers on, you wonder what the SCHOLAR is up to....

>Finish boarding up DOORWAY

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


You point out that the ERRATA clearly states (under the LUCHADOR heading) that:
...the party of the first part (referred to hereafter as the party of the first part) when playing, helming, manning, womaning, or candaemoning a party of luchadors (hereafter referred to as luchador battleband), must enunciate, illuminate, and/or elucidate the full, unabridged, unabbreviated name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) and the name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband's luchador move, maneuver, or moveuver in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) to the party of the second part (i.e., the opponent, friend, enemy, or fropponent) in each instance where a move, move-like action, or maction is undertaken within the confines, boundaries, or officially-sanctioned confoundaries of the game, battle, or skirmish between the party of the first part (as the party of the first part) and the party of the second part (as the party of the second part)....
The RULE continues through two more subsections, a clause, and a subordinate coda.

Your OPPONENT's MORALE takes 15 damage as the GAME begins.

>Let the GAMES begin

Monday, August 21, 2017

431 - Read entire ERRATA

Having been given the ERRATA, you stall for time by reading the entire thing. All four pages of bulleted, size 10, mostly double-columned Times New Roman rules changes. This will take some time. Might as well take in your surroundings!

You are in the CONVENTION HALL of the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENT WEAPON. There is a TOURNAMENT underway, with an IVORY AND RUBY SKULL (currently behind SECURITY GLASS) as the GRAND PRIZE. Your own (previously obtained) SKULLS are stacked behind a convenient POTTED PLANT in the corner.

Four pairs of COMBATANTS (one pair out of frame to the WEST) stand at four BATTLE TABLES (one table out of frame to the WEST). Other than yourself, all of the other COMBATANTS are small, horned, and red.

One additional RED FELLOW with a MONOCLE is manning the REGISTRATION/SALES/MISC TABLE. He seems to be the one in charge.

Ah, and you've found a rule that might just help.

>Be pedantic

Friday, August 18, 2017

430 - Maybe leave?

Reluctantly, you begin to deploy your FORCES. You ask your OPPONENT if you can maybe... just leave? Maybe not play?

Your OPPONENT notes that, according to the rules, leaving the MANDATORY LIFE AND DEATH WARGAME TOURNAMENT is only possible in one of two ways. In the game of games, you either win or you die.

With that in mind, you try a CLASSIC PLOY and mention that your COWBOY DRAGONEER uses SPECIAL RULES from a recent ERRATA, so recent that he probably hasn't heard of it. Your OPPONENT produces the most recent ERRATA, specially prepared for the TOURNAMENT. He says you can have it. He has it memorized.

And it says nothing about COWBOY DRAGONEERS.

>Read entire ERRATA

Wednesday, August 16, 2017


While there are many good choices, you opt to customize a COWBOY WARBAND from the available PRE-MADE WARBAND MODELS. Leaving aside a few, you take six COWBOY INFANTRY and two COWBOY HEAVY UNITS. Your list consists of:
  • Sheriff (53 points)
  • Unionja (38 points)
  • Gunslinger with Double Revolvers (33 points)
  • Bandit (25 points)
  • Cardsharp (29 points)
  • Sharpshooter with Long Tom Rifle (47 points)
  • Cowboy Cannoneer (58 points)
  • Cowboy Dragoneer (115 points)
All shall fear your 398 points of COWBOY WRATH! ALL SHALL FEAR IT!!!

Your first opponent, the TINY LUCHA LIBRE FAN, asks if you are ready to begin the first round of LIFE OR DEATH TABLETOP WARGAMING.

>Maybe leave?

Monday, August 14, 2017

428 - Be CAPTAIN

Everything is not going great.

Sure, you managed to escape the HALL OF DEATHTRAPS, but you lost the MERCENARY to that PIT TRAP, rendering it very unlikely that you'll get your DEPOSIT back when this is over.

Then, you were forced into this life or death WARGAME TOURNAMENT.

Then, you only had, like, ten minutes to skim the entire RULEBOOK.

Then, you found out that your FIRST OPPONENT was playing a (well-painted) LUCHADOR WARBAND, a tier one powerhouse of a FACTION choice.

Still, by choosing from the (generously provided) PRE-MADE WARBANDS, you can hopefully play until you can figure out a way to escape these red-faced NERDS.

What FACTION will you use?

>Choose COWBOYS (and DRAGON)

Friday, August 11, 2017

427 - Go WEST

Scooping up the fallen OFFICER FIVE-O's POLICE PISTOL, you head through what is definitely the WEST DOOR. It's a long hallway filled with poor ANIMATION, as you found out so long ago when you first entered the ANCIENT TEMPLE with the ADVENTURING CREW. Even if CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ (mentioned to be on rearguard duty) has ULTRAVISION (the ultimate form of vision) there's no way he could see all the way down this NIGH-ENDLESS HALLWAY.

This escape is going to take a bit.

Let's check in on the CAPTAIN, shall we?


Wednesday, August 9, 2017

426 - Bluff harder!

Undeterred, you try lying again, even harder this time. You suggest that the MOUNTIE has put you on REARGUARD DUTY and that OFFICER FIVE-O should totally just take a well-deserved NAP. Another OFFICER FIVE-O behind you backs you up on your claims.

OFFICER FIVE-O isn't buying it. She doesn't have time for a NAP. And besides, REARGUARD DUTY was assigned to CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ, and he's already outsi---

With a swift PRISONER'S PUNCH, you knock out OFFICER FIVE-O. You told her it was nap time.

She shouldn't have resisted... a rest.



Monday, August 7, 2017

425 - Go WEST

You wait until the SUPER COPS leave the room to the EAST and prepare to sneak out the WESTERN DOOR. Moving out of arm's reach from the WITCH, you emerge from the INVISIBILITY SPELL. Unfortunately, that means you appear right in front of another OFFICER FIVE-O on rearguard duty.

She holds out her HAND to stop you and mentions that she doesn't remember seeing a DUPLICATE like you around before.

You counter with a classic BLUFF along the lines of "It's my first day."

Its effectiveness is unclear.

>Bluff harder!

Friday, August 4, 2017


Under the INVISIBILITY SPELL, you silently use CHARADES to inform the WITCH of your CUNNING PLAN to infiltrate the POLICE. Somehow, she understands and casts a GLAMOUR on you, changing your appearance to more closely approximate OFFICER FIVE-O. It's... not perfect. It appears that some portion of OFFICER SMOKEY also made it into the design....

The SUPER COPS seem to be moving EAST through this room. What do you do?


Wednesday, August 2, 2017

423 - Hide BALL AND CHAIN, Evade COPS

You quickly stash the blinking BALL AND CHAIN in the MOUSE HOLE (which is hidden behind the WHITE BOARD). Unfortunately, the DOOR to the WEST is already being forced open, so running is out of the question. The WITCH casts a quick spell to conceal the pair of you, finishing only moments before the COPS sweep into the room.

Oh no. This isn't good. Those aren't just normal COPS.

Those are SUPER COPS.