Wednesday, August 23, 2017

432 - Be PEDANTIC

You point out that the ERRATA clearly states (under the LUCHADOR heading) that:
...the party of the first part (referred to hereafter as the party of the first part) when playing, helming, manning, womaning, or candaemoning a party of luchadors (hereafter referred to as luchador battleband), must enunciate, illuminate, and/or elucidate the full, unabridged, unabbreviated name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) and the name of the luchador model within the luchador battleband's luchador move, maneuver, or moveuver in its original language of origin (i.e., Spanish, Espanol, or Sanskrit) to the party of the second part (i.e., the opponent, friend, enemy, or fropponent) in each instance where a move, move-like action, or maction is undertaken within the confines, boundaries, or officially-sanctioned confoundaries of the game, battle, or skirmish between the party of the first part (as the party of the first part) and the party of the second part (as the party of the second part)....
The RULE continues through two more subsections, a clause, and a subordinate coda.

Your OPPONENT's MORALE takes 15 damage as the GAME begins.

>

Monday, August 21, 2017

431 - Read entire ERRATA

Having been given the ERRATA, you stall for time by reading the entire thing. All four pages of bulleted, size 10, mostly double-columned Times New Roman rules changes. This will take some time. Might as well take in your surroundings!

You are in the CONVENTION HALL of the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENT WEAPON. There is a TOURNAMENT underway, with an IVORY AND RUBY SKULL (currently behind SECURITY GLASS) as the GRAND PRIZE. Your own (previously obtained) SKULLS are stacked behind a convenient POTTED PLANT in the corner.

Four pairs of COMBATANTS (one pair out of frame to the WEST) stand at four BATTLE TABLES (one table out of frame to the WEST). Other than yourself, all of the other COMBATANTS are small, horned, and red.

One additional RED FELLOW with a MONOCLE is manning the REGISTRATION/SALES/MISC TABLE. He seems to be the one in charge.

Ah, and you've found a rule that might just help.

>

Friday, August 18, 2017

430 - Maybe leave?

Reluctantly, you begin to deploy your FORCES. You ask your OPPONENT if you can maybe... just leave? Maybe not play?

Your OPPONENT notes that, according to the rules, leaving the MANDATORY LIFE AND DEATH WARGAME TOURNAMENT is only possible in one of two ways. In the game of games, you either win or you die.

With that in mind, you try a CLASSIC PLOY and mention that your COWBOY DRAGONEER uses SPECIAL RULES from a recent ERRATA, so recent that he probably hasn't heard of it. Your OPPONENT produces the most recent ERRATA, specially prepared for the TOURNAMENT. He says you can have it. He has it memorized.

And it says nothing about COWBOY DRAGONEERS.

>

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

429 - Choose COWBOYS (AND DRAGON)

While there are many good choices, you opt to customize a COWBOY WARBAND from the available PRE-MADE WARBAND MODELS. Leaving aside a few, you take six COWBOY INFANTRY and two COWBOY HEAVY UNITS. Your list consists of:
  • Sheriff (53 points)
  • Unionja (38 points)
  • Gunslinger with Double Revolvers (33 points)
  • Bandit (25 points)
  • Cardsharp (29 points)
  • Sharpshooter with Long Tom Rifle (47 points)
  • Cowboy Cannoneer (58 points)
  • Cowboy Dragoneer (115 points)
All shall fear your 398 points of COWBOY WRATH! ALL SHALL FEAR IT!!!

Your first opponent, the TINY LUCHA LIBRE FAN, asks if you are ready to begin the first round of LIFE OR DEATH TABLETOP WARGAMING.

>

Monday, August 14, 2017

428 - Be CAPTAIN

Everything is not going great.

Sure, you managed to escape the HALL OF DEATHTRAPS, but you lost the MERCENARY to that PIT TRAP, rendering it very unlikely that you'll get your DEPOSIT back when this is over.

Then, you were forced into this life or death WARGAME TOURNAMENT.

Then, you only had, like, ten minutes to skim the entire RULEBOOK.

Then, you found out that your FIRST OPPONENT was playing a (well-painted) LUCHADOR WARBAND, a tier one powerhouse of a FACTION choice.

Still, by choosing from the (generously provided) PRE-MADE WARBANDS, you can hopefully play until you can figure out a way to escape these red-faced NERDS.

What FACTION will you use?

>

Friday, August 11, 2017

427 - Go WEST

Scooping up the fallen OFFICER FIVE-O's POLICE PISTOL, you head through what is definitely the WEST DOOR. It's a long hallway filled with poor ANIMATION, as you found out so long ago when you first entered the ANCIENT TEMPLE with the ADVENTURING CREW. Even if CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ (mentioned to be on rearguard duty) has ULTRAVISION (the ultimate form of vision) there's no way he could see all the way down this NIGH-ENDLESS HALLWAY.

This escape is going to take a bit.

Let's check in on the CAPTAIN, shall we?

>

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

426 - Bluff harder!

Undeterred, you try lying again, even harder this time. You suggest that the MOUNTIE has put you on REARGUARD DUTY and that OFFICER FIVE-O should totally just take a well-deserved NAP. Another OFFICER FIVE-O behind you backs you up on your claims.

OFFICER FIVE-O isn't buying it. She doesn't have time for a NAP. And besides, REARGUARD DUTY was assigned to CAPTAIN ULTRAFUZZ, and he's already outsi---

KAPOW!
With a swift PRISONER'S PUNCH, you knock out OFFICER FIVE-O. You told her it was nap time.

She shouldn't have resisted... a rest.

Yeah!

>

Monday, August 7, 2017

425 - Go WEST

You wait until the SUPER COPS leave the room to the EAST and prepare to sneak out the WESTERN DOOR. Moving out of arm's reach from the WITCH, you emerge from the INVISIBILITY SPELL. Unfortunately, that means you appear right in front of another OFFICER FIVE-O on rearguard duty.

She holds out her HAND to stop you and mentions that she doesn't remember seeing a DUPLICATE like you around before.

You counter with a classic BLUFF along the lines of "It's my first day."

Its effectiveness is unclear.

>Bluff harder!

Friday, August 4, 2017

424 - Get DISGUISE SPELL

Under the INVISIBILITY SPELL, you silently use CHARADES to inform the WITCH of your CUNNING PLAN to infiltrate the POLICE. Somehow, she understands and casts a GLAMOUR on you, changing your appearance to more closely approximate OFFICER FIVE-O. It's... not perfect. It appears that some portion of OFFICER SMOKEY also made it into the design....

The SUPER COPS seem to be moving EAST through this room. What do you do?

>Go WEST

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

423 - Hide BALL AND CHAIN, Evade COPS

You quickly stash the blinking BALL AND CHAIN in the MOUSE HOLE (which is hidden behind the WHITE BOARD). Unfortunately, the DOOR to the WEST is already being forced open, so running is out of the question. The WITCH casts a quick spell to conceal the pair of you, finishing only moments before the COPS sweep into the room.

Oh no. This isn't good. Those aren't just normal COPS.

Those are SUPER COPS.
WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY DO???

>Get DISGUISE SPELL

Monday, July 31, 2017

422 - Examine BALL AND CHAIN

Noticing that the BALL AND CHAIN that you previously had feelings for were attached to is blinking, you decide to examine it further. Your WITCHISH ASSOCIATE confirms that neither the blinking nor the SIGNAL being broadcast from the BALL are magical in nature. Hmm. The blinking only began when you removed the BALL AND CHAIN from your LEG CUFF. Perhaps... there's some connection?
You hear KNOCKING SOUNDS on the DOOR to the WEST (the way out of the TEMPLE OF THE WHATEVER IT WAS). The knocking only began after you examined the blinking on the BALL AND CHAIN which, itself, only began when you removed the BALL AND CHAIN from your LEG CUFF. Perhaps... perhaps there, there's some connecting connection?

>Hide BALL AND CHAIN, Evade COPS

Friday, July 28, 2017

421 - Ask WITCH to join PARTY

 
Gleefully, you gently kick away the BALL AND CHAIN that previously held you in bondage. You're free! With the TIME RIFT PHENOMENON finished, it's time to go exploring. Perhaps you can find the ULTIMATE WEAPON for the SOVEREIGN and get your REWARD!

Since your SCIENTISTS are doing their own thing now, you ask the WITCH if she wants to join your PARTY. You're clearly a COOL GUY and definitely cooler than the NICE GUY, so... yeah?

While the WITCH does not seem convinced by your COOLNESS ASSESSMENT, she does decide to join your party. What else is she going to do around here?

THE WITCH JOINS YOUR PARTY!

>Examine BALL AND CHAIN

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

420 - Ask WITCH to magically remove BALL AND CHAIN

You ask the WITCH to magically remove the BALL AND CHAIN on your ANKLE using her WITCHY MAGICKS.

With nothing better to do at the non, she complies. While the SPELL is being cast, you ask her about where she came from. She says the last thing she remembers, she met a NICE GUY at a BAR and then some CREEP attacked them and they got separated. She'd like to find the NICE GUY again at some point if possible.

The WITCH completes the spell and your LEG suddenly feels a whole lot less burdened.

YOU'VE LOST: BALL AND CHAIN!

>Ask WITCH to join PARTY

Monday, July 24, 2017

419 - Acquire HANDHELD DEVICE from WITCH

Under the ASSUMPTION that the DEVICE held by the WITCH holds the key to the secrets of the ANCIENT TEMPLE, you immediately ask to take possession of it.

(Immediately, that is, after sending out for a GUEST BADGE for the WITCH and replacement EMPLOYEE BADGES for your LEAD SCIENTISTS. Certain... irregularities needed corrected immediately to comply with STANDARD LABORATORY OPERATING PROCEDURE. It needed to be done post haste, because the last thing you need is a team of COMPLIANCE TESTERS coming in and disrupting your VALUABLE WORK just because you've failed to dot a few Is or cross a few Ts! BUREAUCRATS!)

After getting her bearings, the WITCH looks forlornly at the jury-rigged DEVICE. She says that it is only half the DEVICE it used to be. It's broken.

>Ask WITCH to magically remove BALL AND CHAIN

Friday, July 21, 2017

418 - View MONUMENTAL THING


Something is coming through the RIFT...!

It's...


It's a STEREOTYPICAL WITCH? That's not what was expected. You have no idea where or when she came from!

>Acquire HANDHELD DEVICE from WITCH

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

417 - Be CAPTAIN

As the CAPTAIN of the EXPEDITION, it falls on you to...

OK, we're actually the PRISONER again.

You and your CRACK TEAM of SUPER SCIENTISTS stare intently at the SPACE-TIME DISTORTION RIFT. According to your meticulous and totally scientific RESEARCH, something big should be happening soon. Any moment now, really. This is the culmination of all of your work thus far on the EXPEDITION and should bring about something absolutely game-changing, something so monumental and momentous that there's no way you can adequately describe how monumental and momentous it will be.

Staring intently at the RIFT will have to suffice for the NONCE. But any moment now, SOMETHING* will happen.

What could it be?

>View MONUMENTAL THING

*Both monumental and momentous, presumably

Monday, July 17, 2017

416 - Move somehow?

Hmm. As a SKULL, your ability to do practically anything borders on nonexistent.

So... yeah.

Let's be SOMEONE ELSE, shall we?

>Be CAPTAIN

Friday, July 14, 2017

415 - Get SURGERY

You ask DAVE if he can spare 2460 VARIOUS MONIES. He says no, but...

...he can spare a TEMPLE EMPLOYEE HEALTH INSURANCE MEDI-CHIT that should cover the more expensive OPERATION. He pops it into the COIN SLOT, along with your 40 VARIOUS MONIES.

With your approval, DAVE keys in the bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation OPERATION. A GLASS TUBE comes down and secures to the base, creating a hermetic seal. As the MERCENARY thinks to finally question what exactly a bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation is, DAVE hits the Y button and the OPERATION is confirmed. The TUBE begins to fill with SLEEPY-TYMEZ GAS™ and the MERCENARY fades into unconsciousness.

So...

Um...

You're SKULLY now?
>Move somehow?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

414 - Use AUTODOC

Putting down your WEAPONS, you awkwardly (but solidly) balance in the AUTODOC CHAMBER. After a few taps from DAVE on the CONSOLE, the SCANNER turns on and assesses your injuries.

Congratulations! You have a CLOSED DISPLACED OBLIQUE FEMORAL FRACTURE!

The AUTODOC 1,000 presents two available treatment options and their associated costs.
  • Surgical bone setting, immobilization, and casting - 40 VARIOUS MONIES
  • Bilateral trans-femoral lower extremity nanotech prostheses installation - 2500 VARIOUS MONIES
You have 40 VARIOUS MONIES available. What do you do?

>Get SURGERY

Monday, July 10, 2017

413 - Inquire about AUTODOC

You ask DAVE what's up: AUTODOC because you seriously need to get this MACHINE to fix your LEG.

DAVE explains that one day the AUTODOC 1,000 AUTOMATIC DOCTOR MACHINE simply stopped working. As he was the only EMPLOYEE left at the time, when he couldn't fix it it just stayed broken. He notes that if you could find some way to fix it, it might be able to do something about your LEG.

You just sort of plug in the AUTODOC.

It's super effective! The AUTODOC 1,000 AUTOMATIC DOCTOR MACHINE is functional!

You gain 112 Experience Points!
You gain 10 Various Monies!

Skully Disapproves! 
(-10% Cranial Comradery)
Friendship perk removed: Thick Skulled

+50 Faction Reputation: Electricians' Guild
New faction title unlocked: Junior Apprentice Electrical Repairman
New badge unlocked: Junior Apprentice Electrical Repairman Badge

>Use AUTODOC

Friday, July 7, 2017

412 - Travel UP, SOUTH, WEST; Regretfully inform POTTED PLANT of TRAGIC LOSS

With painful effort, you limp UP the STAIRS, clamber SOUTH through the FOOD STALL WINDOWS (past the "VENDORS"), and WEST from the devastated FOOD COURT to the LOBBY. This is the only other POTTED PLANT that you have seen in your journey.

You doff your MULTI-HAT respectfully and give the POTTED PLANT the NEWS.

PLANTEA THE PLANT receives the NEWS stoically and says nothing. Your DUTY has been fulfilled.

You gain 200 Experience Points!
You gain 15 Various Monies!
You gain 7 Duty Points!

Skully Approves! 
(+5% Cranial Comradery)
New Cranial Comradery total: 10%

2 out of 12 Potted Plants notified
+50 Faction Reputation: Potted Plants
Total Faction Reputation (Potted Plants): 100

You then proceed back to DAVE (going EAST, NORTH (through FOOD STALL WINDOW), and DOWN). Everything on the STAIR LANDING is just as you left it.

>Inquire about AUTODOC

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

411 - Regretfully inform POTTED PLANT of TRAGIC LOSS

Seeing the POTTED PLANT by the STAIRS, you realize that it is your DUTY to inform them, as next of kin, of the tragic loss of PLANTY THE PLANT, a POTTED PLANT recently lost, tragically. You doff your MULTI-HAT respectfully and give them the NEWS.

PLANTIE THE PLANT receives the NEWS stoically and says nothing. Your DUTY has been fulfilled. 

You gain 200 Experience Points!
You gain 15 Various Monies!
You gain Stair Pretzel!
You gain 7 Duty Points!

Skully Approves! 
(+5% Cranial Comradery)
New friendship perk unlocked: Thick Skulled

1 out of 12 Potted Plants notified
+50 Faction Reputation: Potted Plants
New faction title unlocked: Sub-Assistant Gardener
New badge unlocked: Sub-Assistant Gardener Badge

>Travel UP, SOUTH, WEST; Regretfully inform POTTED PLANT of TRAGIC LOSS

Monday, July 3, 2017

410 - Arrive WEST

Your MINI-PARTY arrives on the LANDING where DAVE awaits you. He informs you that the DUCT TAPE you requested is down in the BOILER ROOM.

The LANDING itself is exactly what you would expect: An intersection of STAIRS and the HALLWAY to the BREAK ROOM. Other things in the room are a PRETZEL, a POTTED PLANT, a SECURITY CAMERA, an AUTODOC 1000, a PACKAGED CYBEREYE, and some ASSORTED MEDICATIONS.

DAVE waits for you to join him and head down the STAIRS.

Exits are UP, DOWN, and EAST.

What do you do?

>Regretfully inform POTTED PLANT of TRAGIC LOSS

Friday, June 30, 2017

409 - Eat CAKE, get DEMIPIKE, go WEST

You cram some CAKE into your GOB.

You pick up the DEMIPIKE off the STOOL and reequip it as a CRUTCH.

You proceed WEST with the PARTY (SKULLY).

It's all very straightforward. Kind of disappointing, really, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

>Arrive WEST

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

408 - Panic, learn HORRIBLE TRUTH

DAVE informs you that the PUNCH contains a healthful amount of FLUORIDE, which helps to protect your TEETH. He pockets his TOOTHBRUSH and heads towards the door to the WEST.

You realize that you were panicking for nothing. DAVE'S a GREAT GUY.

DAVE informs you that the DUCT TAPE is in the BOILER ROOM, just a few screens away. He says he'll wait for you on the LANDING outside of the BREAK ROOM, but you can feel free to poke around, eat CAKE, or do whatever in here before joining him. What a GREAT GUY!

DAVE goes WEST, leaving you alone. What do you do?
>Eat CAKE, get DEMIPIKE, go WEST

Monday, June 26, 2017

407 - Drink PUNCH

You down the rest of your PUNCH. You happen to notice that SKULLY has remarkably clean TEETH. Simultaneously, you also notice that a strange LOOK has come over THE FACE OF DAVE.

There's probably no connection here. Nothing to worry about. Silly to even... think... such... hmm.

You put down your empty EMPTY RED CUP. Dave turns back to look at you, smiling.

He asks if you noticed anything special in your DRINK.

>Panic, learn HORRIBLE TRUTH

Friday, June 23, 2017

406 - Accept PUNCH

You accept a CUP OF PUNCH. The pinkish/purplish beverage is moderately tasty, if a bit sweet. Sadly, sipping it does not reinvigorate you the same way as, say, consuming an entire fully-cooked CHICKEN found by smashing open a BARREL.

You ask DAVE if he has any DUCT TAPE with which you could fashion for yourself a RUDIMENTARY SPLINT for your broken LEG. DAVE laughs. Of course he has DUCT TAPE! He didn't bring it to the BREAK ROOM, though. He didn't expect to need it at the PARTY.

Noting what he did, in fact, bring with him, you ask him what the DEAL is with the TOOTHBRUSH.

For a time, he doesn't reply.

Silently, Dave puts down his punch and hat, drawing the toothbrush from his pocket. His movements are smooth and deliberate, performing an action he had perfected a thousand times before. His countenance, sorrowful, is that born of a grief too deep to bear, a grief that each moment threatens its bearer's very soul. He turns away, contemplating the object of his despair. His stare goes beyond the toothbrush, beyond the walls of the break room, beyond the temple itself and through time to something in the past so drenched in sadness that even its reflection in his one good eye is almost enough to bring a man to tears. Finally, his voice, scarred by torments echoing across the gulf of time, wrenches itself from the very depths of Dave's being.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth," Dave says.
>Drink PUNCH

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

405 - Inquire about much-needed MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

You've been a real TROOPER about this whole "broken leg" thing, but the fact is, it is three or four hundred percent more painful than you've been letting on. You ask Dave (as he fetches himself a REFILL) whether (A) he is a DOCTOR or (B) if there is a MEDICAL FACILITY nearby. Dave laughs at the very NOTION that he is a DOCTOR and informs you that he's the HANDYMAN of the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENT WEAPON. It's his job to keep everything up and running (and that ain't easy, mind you). There used to be a DOCTOR on site, but that was before the vicious series of deathtrap-related accidents that killed most of the STAFF in horrific sacrifices to sate the never-ending thirst of the dark---

Dave remembers his MANNERS and offers you PUNCH.

Would you like some punch?

>Accept PUNCH

Monday, June 19, 2017

404 - Don PARTY HAT

Of all available PARTY HATS, the blue and brown HAT with yellow and purple border and three yellow spots appeals most to you. You pull it out from behind the STACK OF HATS and put it on top of your UNIFORM HAT. You proceed to give your next three favorite PARTY HATS to SKULLY, so that he is now wearing a purple, red, and blue STACK OF HATS. Your least favorite PARTY HAT, the GREEN PARTY HAT, remains forlorn upon the TABLE. Stupid GREEN PARTY HAT.

As you admire your HAT on your HAT, DAVE chats with SKULLY. They've really hit it off!

>Inquire about much-needed MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

Friday, June 16, 2017

403 - Wish DAVE a happy BIRTHDAY


Judging by contextual CLUES, the FELLOW in the ORANGE JUMPSUIT with the GLASS EYE is named DAVE and this is a BIRTHDAY PARTY. Is it a party for him? A party for someone else? The MERCENARY doesn't know, but decides to jump in with both FEET (including the broken one). He wishes "DAVE" a happy BIRTHDAY.

DAVE accepts the felicitations. He excitedly introduces himself as "Dave" and welcomes the MERCENARY to his BIRTHDAY PARTY. He's so glad to have another GUEST! While he'd be happy to give you some CAKE and PUNCH, he's afraid that the regulations demand all guests wear a PARTY HAT.

The MERCENARY agrees. Following PROTOCOL is essential. He moves to select a properly-colored HAT.


>Don PARTY HAT

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

402 - Poke TRASH HOLE with DEMIPIKE POLE


Poking the TRASH HOLE with the DEMIPIKE is clearly the most pressing course of action. Anything else would be simply irresponsible.


You have acquired: PICKLE

>Wish DAVE a happy BIRTHDAY

Monday, June 12, 2017

401 - Go through POSTER

You pass through this second POSTER and find yourself and SKULLY in some kind of BREAK ROOM. Along one side, you can see the HYDRAULIC PRESSES which moved the WESTERN SPIKED WALL of the PIT TRAP. Beside you is an EMPLOYEE TRASH HOLE and a SODA MACHINE (INOPERABLE).

At the southern end of the room, a MAN in an ORANGE JUMPSUIT and ORANGE PARTY HAT seems excited. The TABLE beside him features CAKE, a CEREMONIAL CAKE DAGGER, PLASTIC CUPS, and a PUNCH BOWL filled with (presumably) PUNCH. A selection of PARTY HATS of various colors sits nearby.

Exits are WEST, DOWN, and AIR DUCT.

What do you do?

>Poke TRASH HOLE with DEMIPIKE POLE