Wednesday, April 26, 2017

381 - Have a nice TRIP

You are in pain. A SIREN is sounding. There are a lot of RED FLASHING LIGHTS. SECURITY DOORS have slammed shut. You have dropped your INVENTORY.

Surely, surely, this can't get any worse.


Monday, April 24, 2017


One of the brochures bears the traditional SIGIL OF PERIL, also known as an exclamation point in a triangle. If it truly bears ANCIENT WISDOM, perhaps reading it will save you from some HORRIBLE MISSTEP that would lead to your UNTIMELY DEMISE.
While you can't directly translate the ANCIENT WISDOM, you can sort of tell what it says. I mean, kind of. There's an unpleasant amount of guesswork involved. The main thing that you can glean is that you must not anger the great god KURDZTILTN, lest you face his unbearable, BLOOD-CURDLING WRATH and NIGH-IMMEDIATE VENGEANCE. Staying on his good side shouldn't be too difficult, right? (Also, the PAMPHLET says, don't trigger the SECURITY SYSTEM. It's there for your protection.)

Well, nothing to do now but to walk across the ROOM (without tripping) and head EAST to whatever is---SWEET KURDZTILTN!


Friday, April 21, 2017

379 - Plot VENGENCE

Once, you were whole. Once, you were fresh and minding your own business. Then, the foot came. You were crushed. Now, only one thought remains:



Wednesday, April 19, 2017

378 - Determine ANCIENTNESS

You begin to determine the ANCIENTNESS ATTRIBUTES of the ASWORDED CUTLERY, but your mad SCHOLASTIC SKILLZ go kind of haywire and you date everything in the ROOM. Except the TOURISTS. They're taken.


Monday, April 17, 2017

377 - Fine, forget the MOUSETRAP

With the Quikskim© of the BROCHURE complete, your TOUR is going swimmingly. Your FACTS are, in fact, based on FACTS, and that is proving popular with the TOUR GROUP. But even as you speak with renewed confidence (and with the TOUR GROUP), it's almost like you've found yourself in MEDIA RES, or one of the surrounding boroughs. A quick RECAPITULATION of the ENVIRONS may be in order.

You are in an EXHIBITION HALL (sponsored by Quetzelcolatl©). Three clay MANNEQUINS in AUTHENTIC HISTORICAL GARB stand along the NORTH wall, behind a LASER SECURITY GRID. Two SECURITY CAMERAS keep an eye on everything. A BROCHURE STAND near the door contains BROCHURES (one of which you have taken and read). The two other DISPLAYS in the room contain two FLINTY CLUB-SWORDS and a GOLD SKULL WITH JET EYES.

Exits are WEST (back to the LOBBY where the CAPTAIN© was so mean) and EAST.

What do you do?


Friday, April 14, 2017

376 - Seriously, build a MOUSETRAP

OK, no. We're a CHEESE WEDGE now, I guess? This is ridiculous.

>Fine, forget the MOUSETRAP

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

375 - Build a better MOUSETRAP

You decide to build a MOUSETRAP out of your various INVENTORY ITEMS, including (but not limited to) two DECORATIVE SKULLS, a FROMAGE (PETITE), a PIKE, BITS OF STRING, a---


What are we doing back here? PRISONER, where did you get that EQUIPMENT? Where did you get those SCIENTISTS? This isn't right.  This isn't right at all.

We're getting off track.

>Seriously, build a MOUSETRAP

Monday, April 10, 2017

374 - Barter for FOOD

While the MERCENARY, finished with his SOLILOQUY, continues to wonder about the DEAL with these SKULLS, the CAPTAIN sees a possible solution to their MONETARY SLASH COMESTIBLE PROBLEMS.

The CAPTAIN offers to exterminate the OLD FOOD MUN's little MUS MUSCULUS problem in exchange for some MONEY AND SLASH OR FOOD. The CAPTAIN is confident that someone willing to get their HANDS dirty should be able to clean up the RIOTOUS RODENTS post haste. (That someone to do the cleaning is, of course, the MERCENARY.)

The OLD FOOD MUN notes that the MICE seem to be taking care of their own business. The two VERMIN seem to be having a right old TUSSLE. Back and forth. Over and over. Gosh, the EXCITEMENT is figuratively MURDER.

The MERCENARY decides he has no CLUE as to what the DEAL is with these SKULLS. Stupid ANCIENT KNICKKNACKS.

>Build a better MOUSETRAP

Friday, April 7, 2017

373 - Retrieve SKULL from TRASH

Seven years pass. The same joke returns. The wheel keeps spinning, eternal.
The MERCENARY notices and extracts the JET AND SAPPHIRE SKULL from the WASTE RECEPTACLE. He looks at it sadly for a moment before holding it aloft and saying a few WORDS.

Apparently, this sort of thing is not uncommon.

>Barter for FOOD

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

372 - Enter the FOOD COURT

After what seems like a week of travel, the CAPTAIN and MERCENARY have arrived in the COURT OF FOODS. Two VENDORS hawk their presumably digestible WARES. To the left, a PRETZEL GIRL in the livery of "Quetzel Pretzel" appears to have PRETZELS (both SALTED and UNSALTED). To the right, an OLD FOOD MUN in the livery of "Food" has "FOOD."

Elsewhere in the room, you can see two TABLES, eight STOOLS, two pairs of SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS, a FLOOR CRACK, two MICE, a TOOTHBRUSH, and a WASTE RECEPTACLE.

Exits are WEST (back to the LOBBY), NORTH (into the HALL OF DEATHTRAPS), and EAST (to a UNISEX RESTROOM).

What do you do?


Monday, April 3, 2017

371 - Warn the OTHERS

The trip was long and difficult, but you've finally made it back to the GATES OF MOUSEHOLD. You saw the PORTENT, of that you can be sure. As KING of the MOUSETEC, it is your duty to see to the safety of your people in this HOUR OF DOOM.

You've always had your DOUBTS about whether the GYPSY WOMAN'S PROPHECY was accurate. What a fool you were to not take her seriously. But... perhaps it is not too late.

You confide in SCAR (your loyal, grizzled GUARDSMOUSE) about your WORRIES. He has always supported you, even helping you to get past those gnawing SUSPICIONS that there were some MICE within the KINGDOM that were trying to bring about the APOCALYPSE and destroy all that you have built. Haha, what foolish notions those were, eh?

All that's left is to warn your SUBJECTS and evacuate. Come on, SCAR. SCAR?

>Enter the FOOD COURT

Friday, March 31, 2017

370 - Continue to ENTRY CHAMBER

With REFRESHING SODA in HAND (in blatant violation of the sacrosanct INVENTORY SYSTEM), you return to the ENTRY HALL. Yep, it's just like you left it. There's the HOURGLASS, the VINES, the BEDROLLS that you and the MERCENARY set up, the CAMPFIRE, the GIANT CARV-ED FACE, the EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL RIFT, the---

--Wait a TICK. Something's not right here.

Ah, I see the PROBLEM.

We're not supposed to be following the PRISONER. Let's go back to SOMEONE ELSE.

>Warn the OTHERS

Monday, March 27, 2017

368 - Berate SCHOLAR

The SCHOLAR is not pulling his weight on this EXPEDITION. The CAPTAIN decides to give him his QUARTERLY REVIEW. In the "PRO" column, the SCHOLAR has survived thus far, doesn't eat very much, and [point three]. There are far more items in the "CON" column. Highlights from among the first twenty points are "kinda bad at tour guidery," "possibly doesn't know stuff," and "book takes up needless inventory space."

Recommendations for improvement? This will take some time. First thing, SCHOLAR--


Friday, March 24, 2017

367 - Collect PAYMENT for TOUR

The SCHOLAR holds out his HAND expectantly for SWEET TOUR GUIDE PAYMENT.

His HAND remains resolutely empty. Disadvantageous! The TOUR GROUP has already begun moving on to the EXHIBITION HALLS to the NORTH.

The CAPTAIN is unhappy with the SCHOLAR'S performance as a tour guide, especially his failure to get paid upfront. So far, she is giving his TOUR GUIDERY one STAR out of five.

What do you do?


Wednesday, March 22, 2017

366 - Guide TOUR

The CAPTAIN orders the SCHOLAR to guide a TOUR for the TOURISTS.

But... the SCHOLAR doesn't know a thing about the EXHIBITS in this ROOM!

They'll all think he's some kind of FRAUDULENT FRAUD frauding up some FRAUDS! Fakely!

Of course, there's always the SPECIAL TECHNIQUE that all ACADEMICS learn from their INSTRUCTORS. It's dangerous. It could potentially kill everyone in the ROOM. But when you need to sound smart at a moment's notice about a subject you're only half-familiar with, sometimes you need to put your BRAIN on automatic and just let the MOUTH do what it does.

The SCHOLAR puts down the PAN FLUTE.


It's go time.

It's super effective! Never before have so many words been used to say so little.

>Collect PAYMENT for TOUR

Monday, March 20, 2017

365 - Find MONEY?

The SCHOLAR would like some MONEY, in case purchases are necessary at some point during their QUEST. Purchases such as a REFRESHING BEVERAGE. Hint hint, CAPTAIN.

The DONATION BOX would most likely have EASY CASH. Robbing it would probably be morally reprehensible. "Probably" in this case meaning "definitely." Alternatively, the CAPTAIN and SCHOLAR could get a JOB, if only they could find one.

The TOURISTS approach the adventurous DUO. Oh, for fun! They explain that they are TOURISTS, don'tcha know, and it would be just great if they could find some TOUR GUIDES to come with. They may even pay enough for the SCHOLAR to get some POP. You betcha!


>Guide TOUR

Friday, March 17, 2017

364 - Get SKULL

The two ADVENTURERS agree to a PLAN to reach the CLAY AND AMETHYST SKULL. The CAPTAIN thinks the PLAN is great. The SCHOLAR thinks it is the worst thing since CLOTHING WITHOUT BUCKLES.

In order to hold on to the new TREASURE, the CAPTAIN is forced to combine ITEMS within the INVENTORY.
The SCHOLAR would like some SODA after his ORDEAL, but he has no VARIOUS MONIES with which to purchase REFRESHING BEVERAGES.

>Find MONEY?

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

363 - Finally, Go EAST

With a final gift from the MERCENARY, the CAPTAIN and SCHOLAR head through the EASTERN DOOR.

You are in a LOBBY.

According to the SIGN, this appears to be some kind of MUSEUM. Two DISPLAYS are visible, currently being examined by a pair of TOURISTS. Some kind of ANCIENT SODA DISPENSING DEVICE is plugged in near the door, with a CLAY AND AMETHYST SKULL sitting on top of it. You can also see DECORATIVE POTTED FLORA and a MUSEUM DONATION BOX.

Exits are WEST, NORTH, and EAST.

What do you do?


Monday, March 13, 2017

362 - Determine POLL RESULTS

The WRITER pauses the WEBCOMIC and comes in to talk to the CHARACTERS. It seems there's a PROBLEM. In the POLL to see who would "Go EAST," there was a three-way tie between the MERCENARY, the SCHOLAR, and the CAPTAIN. The WRITER decides to take matters into his own HANDS and resolve it in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

/Andrew rolls 3d6

The results: Scholar 6, Captain 4, Mercenary 1.

The SCHOLAR and the CAPTAIN would proceed to the EAST in the next EPISODE. Great, good job everyone. The MERCENARY and the PRISONER would stay behind and--Wait, where's the PRISONER?

Oh, he's threatening an old ANCILLARY CHARACTER and demanding that the MULE KICK MINION surrender either his MONEY or his LIFE. Oh, that PRISONER. What a CARD!

>Finally, go EAST

Friday, March 10, 2017

361 - Go EAST

There is some confusion as to which direction constitutes EAST. The CAPTAIN directs everyone's attention to the DOORWAY to the theoretical RIGHT, as if someone were observing them through an INVISIBLE WALL opposite the REALLY BIG FACE.

The MERCENARY suggests that two of them should proceed forward into the TEMPLE to find the ANCIENT WEAPON while the other two stay behind to set up CAMP and make sure the LOCALS don't break through the CLOSED DOOR to ambush them. The CAPTAIN agrees with this suggestion. The only question is, which two should stay and which two should proceed? Or is that two questions?



Hey, where are you going? Get back up there, PRISONER.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

360 - Grab ANCIENT WEAPON and go HOME

Group huddle, guys.

The MERCENARY picks up the ANCIENT WEAPON and says it's time to go home. The other party members are not confident in his assessment of the HOURGLASS. The SCHOLAR, broken from his memories by the presence of ABSURDITY, relates that it is definitely not the ANCIENT WEAPON.

The MERCENARY remains unconvinced. He patiently explains that TIME is both ancient and the ultimate destroyer of all THINGS.

Wicked awesome animations like this since 2010.

No, the SCHOLAR says, TIME is not the ANCIENT WEAPON. Neither is the HOURGLASS. Shut up.


Monday, March 6, 2017

359 - Read LETTER

With the really important stuff taken care of, it's time to read the LETTER. The CAPTAIN calls everyone over. The PRISONER explains that the SCHOLAR is indisposed at the moment, as he had an ACCIDENT. The CAPTAIN and MERCENARY decide that the less said about that, the better.

The LETTER reads:
Dear Captain, Scholar, Mercenary, and the rest;
If you are reading this then we are pleased to presume that you have safely completed your perilous voyage and are standing in the Temple of the Ancient Weapon. Congratulations! Since you are there anyway, be dears and fetch us the Ancient Weapon, that we may turn the tide in our little unpleasantness with our dastardly foes. In return, as discussed, we will grant each of you one wish (plus a sandwich for the highwayman). Thanks again!
Fondest hugs, kisses, and etceteras,
My Majesty, the Sovereign


Friday, March 3, 2017

358 - Poke PEEPHOLE with PIKE POLE

Poking the MOUSE HOLE with the PIKE is clearly the most pressing course of action. Anything else would be simply irresponsible.

The MERCENARY is not pleased with these orders. His PIKE is a PROFESSIONAL WEAPON wielded professionally in professional battle. It is not meant to be a HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-POKING-STICK. Regardless, The CAPTAIN overrides his objections and the HOLE is dutifully poked.

It's not very effective.

Across the room, The SCHOLAR and the PRISONER examine the carelessly discarded PAN FLUTE. While the SCHOLAR admits to knowing how to play it, the PRISONER is unable to convince him to play any TUNES, jaunty or otherwise. The SCHOLAR... has not played the PAN FLUTE since... well... not since the ACCIDENT.


Old gypsy women are never wrong!

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

357 - Flee down PASSAGE

Boom. Super high quality animation right out of the gate.
Your bootsteps echo as the four of you charge down the PASSAGE in the ANCIENT TEMPLE. THE MERCENARY leads the way, his PIKE leveled before him. Judging by the FOREIGN SHOUTING behind you, the NATIVE POPULATION is apparently still on your HEELS, and still rather miffed about the whole "invading their sacred temple" thing. No one is more upset about the pursuit than THE PRISONER, bitterly bringing up the rear as he drags his BALL AND CHAIN.

Up ahead, there's a DOORWAY, and the four of you pile through. Thinking quickly, THE SCHOLAR pulls a LEVER to close the DOOR. THE CAPTAIN declares the room safe -- for now -- and orders the party to take stock of their CURRENT SITUATION.

Here we go again!
You are standing in a ANCIENT TEMPLE CHAMBER dominated by a large CARVED FACE. Some VINES hang down from the ceiling. An HOURGLASS and PAN FLUTE are strewn across the room. The STONE DOOR to the WEST has been closed by the LEVER but you can still hear MIFFED LOCALS beyond it. Visible exits are EAST.

What do you do?


Monday, February 20, 2017

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Cleanup Complete!

After several years of hard, back-breaking work, the WICKED AWESOME ADVENTURE is finally working properly. The Archives (accessible to the right) go up to the most recent turns! There are working links at the bottom of EVERY POST to the next one! You can easily read the comic from beginning to end. Truly, this (long overdue) cleanup was WELL WORTH THE five year WAIT.

Enjoy. And if you would like to start at the beginning, this link will take you there. So go ahead. Experience the whole Wicked Awesome Adventure again, or for the very first time.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Recently... Part 45: Leap to SAFETY (Finale)

You successfully leap to SAFETY, clutching the OBJECT OF YOUR DESIRES. It's beautiful, just like you remember it. You take a moment to examine it more closely as the explosions continue behind you.

Why is it that license pictures never turn out well? Still, you've completed your mission!