Wednesday, July 28, 2010

155 - Be... dead?

You throw down your hat in disgust and angrily shake your fist. That somewhat handsome rube pilfered your cube! Oh, he'll rue the day. Rue the day he forced you to use words like "rube" and "rue!" THOSE AREN'T WORDS YOU USUALLY USE! Where did that guy come from anyway? Wherever it is, he won't be able to hide forever from CADUNGERY MUFFINBOTTOM III, not by the evil-twin hair of your CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN!


That's not you.... 

Hold on.

Ah, here we go.

Meanwhile, in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE....
You are back in your ROOM after your disconcerting adventure in some kind of PARALLEL UNIVERSE. For a moment, you're not entirely sure where you are. It's like you're simultaneously living and dead. CURSE YOU, SCIENCE!

You swiped that somewhat handsome guy's RUBIK'S CUBE and instantly appeared back here. Your TEDDY HIPPO looks like he's been worried sick. Oh, his poor NERVES!

Anyway, you pocket the RUBIK'S CUBE(S).

What next?

Monday, July 26, 2010

153 - Tamper with RUBIK'S HYPERCUBE

Something strikes you as odd as you pocket the RUBIK'S CUBE. For one thing, you hear a CAT both meow and... not meow. How do you hear this? How can you be hearing nothing? Is it SCIENCE?

ALAN would understand. But you're not ALAN, because he's a NERD and also because he's a DIFFERENT PERSON than YOU. Man. That much thinking makes your BRAIN hurt.

Still, the weird stuff (SCIENCE AGAIN???) seemed to have something to do with the RUBIK'S CUBE, so the best course of action is to screw around with it.

You turn one of the sides.


>Grab other RUBIK'S CUBE

Sunday, July 25, 2010

152 - Snag SWAG; Swig

You think up several names for your TEDDY HIPPO companion, but none of them really catch your FANCY, so you scarf down another SLICE'O'PIZ and continue on about the room to pick up goodies.

First, you grab the POTIONS (BLUE, RED, 2x GREEN) and HAIR GEL and cram them into a POCKET. Then the MAGIC MARKER and RUBIK'S CUBE (which briefly appears to be in two places at once, both on the TABLE and in your INVENTORY. Weird but true!)

You've eaten two SLICES now, and you're getting kind of thirsty. Despite the FOUNTAIN and its NIGH ENDLESS SUPPLY OF WATER, you opt to quaff the BLUE POTION instead. Good old blue. Nothing bad ever comes from blue. (Except, you quickly note, the DEEP ONES from below the BLUE who persistently stole inhabitants from your COUSIN'S small SEASIDE TOWN in MASSACHUSETTS, sometimes interbreeding to create HALF-MAN-HALF-DEEP-ONE MONSTROSITIES. Oh, your poor cousin. He's better off dead, far better than the fate that almost took him... a twisted life as one... of THEM. Of THEM. of THEM.) So you drink it.

+25 MANA!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

151 - Wake the TEDDY HIPPO, give HORN

You head up onto the BED and examine the TEDDY HIPPO. It is a magnificent creature, strong, deadly, majestic. You gently shake it. The SLEEPER awakens! The TEDDY HIPPO rolls over and sits up, studying you warily. You offer it a SLICE of DELICIOUSNESS and it quickly eats it. The TEDDY HIPPO likes you! You now have a PET TEDDY HIPPO!

As a treat, you give your MAJESTIC STUFFED BEAST the VEVUZELA, that it might make beautiful music, as befits such a noble creature. It is now a TEDDY HIPPO (WITH HORN).

Begins to play itsBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!



What isBZZZZZZZZZ! What is it's naBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! What is this noble freaking creature's name?


>Snag SWAG; Swig

Friday, July 23, 2010

150 - Fill INVENTORY, solve PUZZLE, and use HAIR GEL with TORCH

Spying the VARIOUS MONIES on the floor, you quickly snatch them up. Never know when you're gonna need some POCKET CHANGE.

Next, you grab the BEER BONG VEVUZELA and shove it into your INVENTORY. Should be useful for consuming large quantities of alcohol quickly supporting your favorite SPORTS TEAM.

You flip open the top PIZZA BOX and inside you find a full PEPPERONI PIZZA, piping hot! How is it still warm? Best not to think about it.

You head up to the sleeping TEDDY HIPPO and... you head up there and....


No, no. Take your time. It's not like we have a whole pile of COMMANDS waiting for you.

Just... just keep going to town on that SLICE O' PEPPERONI.

>Wake the TEDDY HIPPO, give HORN

Thursday, July 22, 2010

149 - WAKE UP!

Did... did you just fart? Oh, come on, that's so sophomoric. It--- huh?

Air filtration systems failing?

OK, so passing gas helped. Great. That sets a wonderful precedent.

The room lights come up and you awaken (through a similar process to one we've already seen). Finally. Lazy jerk.

You are in a dank and cluttered CAVE ROOM, illuminated by some TORCHES. In the room are a BED and a TABLE. On the TABLE there are... holy crap. There's a lot of stuff in here. OK, on the TABLE there are two POTIONS (Blue and Green), a MAGIC MARKER, a FISH LAMP, and a solved RUBIK'S CUBE. On the floor near the TABLE are two more POTIONS (Green and Red), a HAIR GEL BOTTLE, a SMALL DEAD FISH, a CHEW TOY (Red, Bone-shaped?), some VARIOUS MONIES and a FOOTBALL. To your SOUTH is a WIZARD HAT. Towards the DOOR is a VUVUZELA (Red) and a stack of CORRUGATED CARDBOARD PIZZA BOXES (from PIZZA OR DEATH, apparently). A nice THROW RUG is nearby. On the BED is a sleeping STUFFED HIPPO (WITHOUT... SOMETHING?). He sure seems comfortable. On the stone WALL is a SIGN, a small FOUNTAIN, and an obnoxious and gratuitous DEVILISH/FREAKISH PUZZLE of some sort (which appears to be securing a KEY). There is only one visible DOOR out of the room.

>Fill INVENTORY, solve PUZZLE, and use HAIR GEL with TORCH

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

148 - Wake up

You are in a....

Hey. Hey, wake up!

Come on, man.


Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Come oooooooooooooooooooooon.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Insert Whipping Noise Here

Updates resume by Sunday at the latest. (Sorry!)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

147A - On your MARK, get set...

Twenty seconds left on the clock.

Between you and freedom lie Chompers, Candimps, Pits, Lasers, Blue Lava, Puzzles, Piranhas, Quicksand, Tar Pits, Spikes, Fire, and Death in 31 delicious flavors.

Let's do this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

146 - Open the BOX

You chuckle to yourself knowingly as you walk over to the BOX belonging to the late BABY-RUTH.

JILL: Well, the obvious solution to the puzzle by process of elimination is that Baby-Ruth has the access code in his box. So it looks like we're getting out of here, Mars Imp Guy, unless, of course, there's some kind of Curse of the Bambino thing going on. Which I highly doubt.
ELLIOT: Is that a baseball reference or something?
JILL: Yeah. About the Red Sox. And Babe Ruth.
ELLIOT: Well, hey, isn't that nice. Thanks. Thanks for that. That really brightened my day, Miss Ponytail. Now, if you're done with the allusions and asides then open the $&%@# box, would ya?

As you open the BOX, an alarm sounds and the BOMB above the door changes to show a SIXTY SECOND COUNTDOWN.

JILL: What? No, this was the right box! It was the curse! Curse that curse!
ELLIOT: What the &%#!
MARS: Hahaha! You solved the puzzle correctly, lady, but what you didn't count on was the fact that we were all lying! That puzzle crap was just a ruse us Candimps figured out so that we could take you down with us! We're freaking evil!
ELLIOT: Son of a $*@!

The DOOMSDAY clock ticks down as you flip open MARS' BOX and the BADGER takes his revenge, silencing the MANIACALLY CACKLING CANDIMP.

You find the ACCESS CODE inside and shout it over to ELLIOT, who punches it into the CONSOLE.

The DOOR opens.

JILL: Oh, thank goodness!
ELLIOT: This whole place is gonna blow!
JILL: Twenty seconds left! Get to the chopper! ---bathysphere! Get to the bathysphere!

>On your MARK, get set...

145 - Finish climbing

You reach the top of the LADDER and dart into the BATHYSPHERE DEPOT HUB, the PRESSURE DOORS clanging shut behind you (about a half-second after the picture above). You are in another circular HUB room, similar to the one below, but this one appears to currently be a dead end. Above you, the GLASS CEILING prevents you from rising any higher in life. Typical, really.

M. BISON sleeps peacefully on what appears to be a huge PILE OF BLOODY ASH. There must have been quite a battle here. A BROOM leans against a CONSOLE nearby; M. BISON probably swept up. He likes to keep things tidy.

On the other side of the room, ELLIOT and his BADGER are conversing with a BEATEN CANDIMP, who looks to be in no condition for further battle. (DEAD ELLIOT lies nearby.*) 

There is a row of CLOSED BOXES on the wall, each labeled with a name on a small bronze plaque. RED WIRES connect each box to something above the DOOR which looks to you like some kind of FREAKING BOMB. Not the kind of thing you want to mess around with, though you are relatively sure that ALAN could disarm it pretty quick.

ELLIOT is interrogating the CANDIMP.

ELLIOT: Like I told your friends, I'm not in the mood for games. Ninjas don't solve puzzles.
MARS: I'm telling you everything I can! You're my best friend!
ELLIOT: Stop doing that!
MARS: Each of us has to tell one truth and one lie! I deeply want you to hit me again!

The CANDIMP nervously catches your eye. ELLIOT and the BADGER look over to you.

ELLIOT: You, girl; can you solve puzzles?
JILL: Yeah, of course. Do I look like a ninja to you?
ELLIOT: OK, listen. To get the door to the bathysphere open, we need the access code that's in one of those boxes on the wall. We can't just go opening all of them, because there's a good chance that would blow us all to kingdom come. So we've been interrogating and killing all the little red schmucks up here to find out which box to open to get the codes. Still with me?
JILL: Yeah.
ELLIOT: Good. So each little red guy gave us two statements before we killed 'em. One is apparently always true, which the other is always a lie. Here's what they said.

Twizzlers:  Nerds doesn't have it! Snickers has it!
Snickers:   Baby Ruth doesn't have it! Nerds doesn't have it!
Bubblegum: Baby Ruth has it! Snickers has it!
Baby Ruth: Nerds has it! Twizzlers doesn't have it!
Nerds:  Bubblegum has it! Twizzlers doesn't have it!
Mars: Each of us is telling one truth and one lie! I hope you live long and fulfilling lives!

ELLIOT: So which box is it in, little miss ponytail?

And just as he says this, the DOOR behind you, leading to the LADDER you just scaled, blares out an alert message, which adds considerably to the tension of the situation.


*Footnote: You quickly wonder if this poor ELLIOT died of emphysema in London, 1965, then disregard the thought as too brainy for 50% of your audience, then disregard that thought as too much strain on the fourth wall.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

144 - For the love of BISON, CLIMB!!!


All around the room, the EXITS are sealed by heavy EMERGENCY PRESSURE DOORS. The doors to the LADDER start to close, then stop, sliding back open. What the--- pflarb! Water in your mouth! Pflurble!

You sprint for the LADDER as water begins to quickly fill the room.

Gotta Hurry! Gotta climb faster! Like a NAVY SEAL! Or, like, a CLOWN! They climb LADDERS really fast, don't they? To get to the TRAPEZE? Or is that just ACROBATS? YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!!! You can see the hatch to the ROOM above just ahead, JUST A LITTLE FURTHER!!!

>Finish climbing

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Birthday break!

Updates resume tomorrow!

Friday, July 9, 2010

143 - Loot LOOT

Man, for a second there, you thought that CANDIMP was gonna catch the SWEAR JAR. But no, he didn't, and he's no longer an obstacle. You've collected the RADIO and 16 VARIOUS MONIES. Nothing else here to keep you from your goal. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

You head towards the LADDER.

Oh, hey, yeah, the CEILING DOME is leaking now. Oh, that's original. Oh, oh no, the room is going to slowly fill up with SEAWATER at about an inch per hour, or less because of the STAIRWAY DRAIN. Geez. Thank goodness no one's here to see how lame this is.


You can probably safely ignore the




142 - Use SWEAR JAR

You pull out the SWEAR JAR. It's finally time to make use of all of it's pent-up rage. You heft it back to throw at the CANDIMP and--- wait. It's only 2/3 full! Oh, come on! COME ON! There's no way that you're going to let yourself get delayed by this stupid piece of

Oh, hey, it's full! You let it fly.

(If you want to hear the rest of this post narrated aloud, here it is! Feel free to read along below.)

The SWEAR JAR arcs through the air, graceful, suspended in the ether as a planet, its slow rotation mathematically pure, its course across the heavens destined by the unseen forces of gravity, of the interaction of bodies which causes things so small to become so great, so graceful, so beautiful in their autonomy, their automatic, unthinking natural path. Motion, though its motive power is so far behind, forgotten now, forgotten as unnecessary. Who could appreciate this beauty? Who indeed?

The CANDIMP was named CLETUS-ED SKITTLES, named such by those who thought he had a future beyond their own. He was not what was expected of him, though he was dressed in a simple BLUE COVER-ALL. He was as erudite, as educated, as passionate for learning as any CANDIMP, any CANDAEMON, any CANDARK ONE, but he was never viewed as such. He was viewed as an idiot, a red-neck among those with literally bright red necks. They mocked him, quoting Jeff Foxworthy jokes from a century long past. And he held it all inside, doing his duty, guarding or patrolling, sometimes wondering what it was all for. He did not question his masters openly, to do so was death. So he lived a life of quiet learning, of quiet knowledge, secure in himself despite their barbs. Sometimes he felt that they did understand, that they truly could recognize the spark deep inside of him, but if they did, they only cut him all the deeper for it. CLETUS-ED watched the spinning SWEAR JAR, watched it in its course.

Was this his destiny? Was this what it all came down to? He had so much to live for, so much to see beyond the crude cruelty of his breathren. There was a whole world out there, ripe for the taking, not by violence, but by the application of his mind and will, to shape it for the betterment of all, CANDIMP or HUMAN, RED-NECK or PEACH-COLORED-NECK. There was a whole world out there, just beyond his grasp.

No. Not beyond his grasp. No. This time he would stand up for himself, he would not be passive, not stand idly by and let the world take its course. He dropped his GUN, a small green TEAR falling from his eye. This time... this time he would choose for himself. No more orders, no more fears. This time, he would choose his life.

CLETUS-ED reached out for the SWEAR JAR, his hands clammy, wet with sweat. For a moment it was in his hands, its grim potential, its deadly plans halted by his action. He. Would. Live.

But no.


The SWEAR JAR slipped, a moment from safety. CLETUS-ED watched it fall. He dropped the F-BOMB.

There was a flash of light, of energy, and as CLETUS-ED felt himself engulfed by the EXPLOSION OF RAGE, the WAVE OF EMOTION, he quietly, gently asked the universe to let him live, to let him try just once more!

But then there was blackness and nothingness. And CLETUS-ED passed from the HUB unmourned and alone, with just an uncaring HUMAN GIRL and a DUCK as his audience.

(You loot the VARIOUS MONIES and RADIO.)

>Loot LOOT

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

141 - Sneak to HUB

You unplug SCUZZY and he heads back into his WICKED AWESOME POCKET. You sneak out of the CONTROL ROOM and into the UNDERWATER TUNNEL, following it back to the CENTRAL HUB. (Your inevitable doom is kept at bay.)

According to the TIMESTAMP on the CAMERA FOOTAGE that you've been viewing, the fight in this room took place some thirty minutes ago. Since then, it appears several things have changed. ELLIOT, his BADGER, and the ILLUSTRIOUS LIEUTENANT M. BISON THE FIRST have long since departed, either separately or jointly, taking the DEAD ELLIOT along with them. The dead CANDAEMONS have dissolved into BLOODY ASH.... you didn't know they would do that. Any surviving CANDAEMONS or CANDIMPS have fled, save the COVER-ALL CANDIMP, who stands at the entrance opposite you, the one from whence you originally emerged. He seems to be watching the room fairly sharply, and while your STEALTH LEVEL INDICATOR GEM is claiming your current location to be fairly safe, any progress into the room will be wrought with PERIL.

Other items of note still in the room, the ASH, some VARIOUS MONIES (on the STAIRS), the TRAFFIC-CONE-WITH-A-STOP-SIGN-IN-IT, and the PORTABLE GREEN RADIOPHONE.

M. BISON appeared to be heading for the LADDER when the CAMERA FEED cut out, but how can you get over there?


Tuesday, July 6, 2010


You lose track of ELLIOT's movements for a moment, and the next thing you see is the JACK-IN-A-BOX behind two of the CANDIMPS. How did that get there?

Hey... it's playing...

All around the MULBERRY BUSH,
the MONKEY chased the BADGER,
the MONKEY thought 'twas all in fun...


And... you figured out how to get it in LIVING DYING COLOR.

The BADGER (WITH CLAWS) emerged from the JACK-IN-THE-BOX and went claw crazy on the two closest CANDIMPS, scratching the ever-loving crap out of them.

ELLIOT appeared out of NOWHERE, grabbing the TANTO BLADE out of his DEAD COUNTERPART and stabbing the CHEST/BRAIN of nearby enemies. Man, that boy is STONE COLD DEADLY.

LIEUTENANT M. BISON takes advantage of the opportunity, headbutting the CAMO CANDIMP. The last thing you see from him, he's escaping towards the LADDER UP at the back of the HUB.

Only one CANDIMP seems to have control of himself, the COVER-ALL CANDIMP. He's blasting his SHOTGUN almost indiscriminately. In fact, he's shooting so wildly, he takes out the CAMERA. Blast!


Well, that seems like that it for the COMPUTER. Your little pal SCUZZY THE MOUSE looks like she's getting tired. Maybe it's time to move on....

>Sneak to HUB

Monday, July 5, 2010


Hopefully back tomorrow. (Thank goodness I pre-made this picture.)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

139 - Use CAMERAS to watch ELLIOT

You use CAM.EXE and quickly find your your way to ELLIOT'S ROOM, circa 1 hour ago. At first, you think he's already dead on the BED, but events soon illustrate that he's quite alive. The events can be summarized as follows.
  1. The GLASS TUBE that ELLIOT is in rises up, after which he wakes up.
  2. He reads the NOTE on the floor to the LEFT.
  3. He converses with and befriends the TEDDY BADGER by the DOOR. He probably names him.
  4. Elliot collects a TANTO BLADE, some NINJA STARS, and VARIOUS MONIES from the floor.
  5. He takes the LIGHT GEM (now your S.L.I.G.) from the TABLE, along with a LUNCHBOX labeled E.D.E.M.M. What the heck is that?
  6. He takes a BOMB from beneath the table, placing it by the door.
  7. He pulls out a GO SIGN and MUG from under the BED, tossing them across the room. He doesn't seem to want them.
  8. Elliot kicks over the TABLE to use it as a shield, setting the BOMB by the DOOR before crouching behind his improvised barricade with the TEDDY BADGER.
  9. The DOOR is partially destroyed by the BOMB.
  10. Elliot and his TEDDY BADGER proceed out the door.
  1. Elliot buys and drinks a few CANS OF ONE-UP. He then proceeds down the TUNNEL.
  2. He meets a MILDLY CROSS-EYED CANDAEMON. They converse at length.
  3. Elliot combines the JACK IN A BOX he just found with his TANTO BLADE.
  4. For some reason the CANDAEMON consumes this JACK-KNIFE IN A BOX.
  5. Elliot retrieves his TANTO BLADE and JACK IN A BOX from the CANDAEMON'S GAPING CHEST WOUND.
  6. Elliot pulls off the CANDAEMON'S CLAWS, equipping them on his TEDDY BADGER (now a TEDDY BADGER WITH CLAWS).
  7. He goes back, grabs the DEAD BODY version of himself, then picks up the CANDAEMON'S RADIO and proceeds into the next room, the CENTRAL HUB.
  8. He appears to hear something, dropping the CORPSE ELLIOT, LIGHT GEM, and NINJA STARS by the STAIRS and quickly retreating to his TUNNEL.
  9. Ah. This is when you and M. BISON enter the CENTRAL HUB.
Yeah, you remember this point. You came in, saw the CORPSE, collected the NINJA STARS and S.L.I.G., then used your SCREWDRIVER to pull off the VENT COVER, hiding inside as the MASS of CANDAEMONS and CANDIMPS came up. M. BISON played INANIMATE and you later descended to explore the DUCTWORK.

What happened since then? (You continue to watch, adjusting the quality of the picture so that it isn't so static-y.)



First things first. The most important thing to do right now is open PAINTBRUSH.EXE and draw a picture of RHYS trapped in a ROOM, like you were, and acting like a TOTAL FOOL, like he usually does. Hehehe. There's drool coming out of his mouth.

On a more serious note, you begin to wonder what's going on with him. Why did he brush you off with that MACHINE of his down in the DUCTWORK? Why is he here? Why are there FREAKING STATUES of him in the CENTRAL HUB of this FREAKING UNDERWATER COMPLEX? The sooner you can figure out what's going on with everything, the better.

You save your picture, wishing that you could upload it to whatever INTERNETS are extant in the present, creating the first in a series of WEBCOMIC PANELS which will enthrall and delight MILLIONS OF READERS. FREAKING MILLIONS.

You glance up to the ONSCREEN HEADER and look how long it has been since this COMPUTER was last accessed. If you're reading it right, it was 148 years, 3 months, 17 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes, and 20 seconds between the most recent previous access and your own, just a few minutes ago. But of course that's not possible. That would mean this COMPUTER was built in the 1800's. You scoff at the notion. YOU SCOFF QUITE LOUDLY AND CONFIDENTLY AND NOT IN ANY WAY SCARED OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND.

Then you check the HELP file.
It looks like a MAP of the UPPER LEVELS of this COMPLEX. Your current position is identified to be beside ROOM 1, ELLIOT'S ROOM. You see your own ROOM, number 4, off to the right. Apparently, the LADDER in the HUB leads up to a DOCKING LEVEL, where a BATHYSPHERE is docked (one of two that are supposed to be there). The STAIRS in the HUB lead down to... BELOW. That's not helpful at all.

And according to this WARNING, the HELP function has been disabled anyway.


Well, you'll try the CAMERA FUNCTION next. With any luck, you'll be able to see what killed ELLIOT and maybe get a better view of what's going on around here.

>Use CAMERAS to watch ELLIOT

Thursday, July 1, 2010

137 - Input PASSPHRASE

You pop in the PASSPHRASE (since multiple words can hardly be called a PASSWORD (Pshaw!)) and log on to the COMPUTER. You appear to have "basic level" access, whatever that means. Using old DOS commands, you look up a list of available files. They are
  • help.txt
  • cams.exe
  • patient.exe
  • status.exe
  • lv2.exe
  • elliot.txt
  • paintbrush.exe
  • telephone-s.exe
and a few .dll files, but there's not much you can do with them. First thing to do, you open the "Elliot" TEXT FILE. Perhaps it will answer some of your questions about that purple NINJA
You read the DOCUMENT.


"If you're reading this then you've actually been following my instructions. Good. I thought you might just take the first opportunity to head up the ladder in the hub and escape in the bathysphere. But if you're reading this then you're one step closer to escaping the proper way and getting done what needs to be done.

"I promised your mother that I'd keep you safe and away from harm, but that seems increasingly unlikely with each passing moment. The best I can do, then, is to arm you against what you will be facing. I'd love to help you in person, but chances are that I am dead, along with your mother, and along with almost everyone you've ever known and loved (assuming you capable of love). My worst fears have been confirmed and I

"Elliot. No matter what everyone says, you do have a shred of decency inside you. Please, you have to do the right thing. I mean it. You HAVE to. Or so help me if you screw this up I will come back from the dead and kick

"Your Father,

"Doctor K."

"P.S. Make sure you grab the DOC_K SCHEMATICS before you go. Or else."