Tuesday, July 26, 2011

356 - Be... dead?

Yeah... that seems about right.


Monday, July 25, 2011

355 - Deduce PLOT, use HOSE-WHIP

Oooh boy, that POISON is kicking in... better make this quick.

JET: The joke's on you, Ninja. I've spent the last three years building up an immunity to Iocane poison!
NINJA: Good thing I didn't use Iocane then. But you're stalling.
JET: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You only think I'm stalling! 
NINJA: If you're trying to trick me into giving away something, it won't work. 
JET: It has worked! You've given everything away! You weren't after McBeard at all! You were... after... me?
NINJA: Your powers of observation continue to serve you well, Jill Elysia Thunderson. I hope you realize the trouble we've gone through to---



This... may not end well....

>Be... dead?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

354 X - Be BATMAN

Author's Note: OK, this one's just for fun (because I love Batman). Back to the actual universe tomorrow!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

354 - Interrogate

JET: OK, now that we've had a breather, where to begin? The antidote? Hand it over.
NINJA: Really? Just like that?
JET: I'll give you ten cookies for it.
NINJA: Show me the cookies first.
JET: I don't have them with me, they're safe in a---
NINJA: I'm joking. I like cookies but it's not an addition.
JET: Then why did Braxley's cookies make you tell us everything?
NINJA: Tell you everything? Don't you remember? I just used my "answer" as cover to escape!
JET: So you did. But you stabbed yourself with your katana. You need the antidote as much as I do.
NINJA: Already drank some on the chase over here, maybe?
JET: No you didn't, I would have seen that.
NINJA: Like when you saw me change to a new, clean shirt?
JET: Eh, it's probably not a proper antidote anyway. You're a ninja. You don't just go around antidote-ing people.
NINJA: It's marked with an "A." "A" for "Antidote."
JET: Just as easy to be "A" for "Arsenic" or "A" for "Affliction" or "A" for the first in a series of alphabetically labeled bottles.
NINJA: Then why do you want it?
JET: Maybe I'm just toying with you. Or maybe... I switched the vials while we were running.
NINJA: Unlikely. Not that I assume your skills not up to the task, but simply because I doubt you have an identical container of this size and shape, filled with the right color liquid and engraved with an "A."
JET: Maybe I'm just that crazy prepared.
NINJA: Maybe you are.
JET: And how about this: maybe I'm not poisoned. Maybe that was a bluff.
NINJA: You saw what happened to that other pirate right? Foaming green at the mouth, turning a brilliant shade of merlot?
JET: Different weapon. He was hit with thrown stuff, not the katana.
NINJA: I stabbed you with a kunai, not the katana.
JET: Wh-- oh. Right. Well then why am I not purple and foamy?
NINJA: Less of a dose. He took three heavy doses against your one.
JET: But I wasn't the target. McBeard was.
NINJA: Oh? Having a case of the clevers?
JET: He's a big, beefy guy. If the poison hasn't stopped me yet, it would do even less to him.
JET: So why do it? Couldn't be a normal assassination. And if it wasn't a straight up assassination, what was it?
NINJA: You tell me, clever girl. But remember one little thing. I'll tell you this: you are poisoned. And time is ticking past. And, just between you and me, this is probably the most fun I've had in years.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

353 - Conclude PURSUIT MINIGAME!

After continually alternating A and B (or maybe entering a CHEAT CODE) you have successfully pursued the NINJA to the top of a PIRATE SKYSCRAPARR, possibly the tallest BUILDING on CORSAIR ISLE. The NINJA rushes to the EDGE and turns around to face you, holding a BOTTLE over the VERY LONG DROP. Holy CRAP, that was a long CHASE.

NINJA: Holy (huff) crap you are good at (puff) le parkour.
JET: You're not (huff) bad (puff) yourself.
NINJA: You sure (huff) you're not a (puff) ninja?
JET: Pretty sure (whuff!).
NINJA: Right. (huff) I assume you want (whuff!) the antidote?
JET: Yeah. (huff) Yeah, hand it over or (puff) I stab you (huff) or something... stabby.
NINJA: Nope, sorry (huff puff). Try it and the (huff) antidote (puff)... well, it drops. And breaks. (whuff!)
JET: (whuff!)

Holy crap, let's just take a second to catch our respective BREATHS. It's like you're still hitting A and B. You're going to go to bed with your fingers still twitching at A and B. Man. Whoa.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

350 - Continue listening to STORY

You continue listening to the NINJA'S STORY.

NINJA: In the ninja dojo, I learned many lessons I would keep with me for the rest of my life. I learned the value of honor. The value of clan. The value of duty. I learned how to kill with knives, swords, bombs and double-barreled plasma shotguns. Additionally, I learned two very important tricks to use against the weak-minded. First, how to use a visual aid to distract people while you swap yourself out for a wooden dummy.

NINJA (VOICE-OVER): Second, I learned how to use slow-acting poisons on every single weapon I use.

Oh crap.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

349b - The NINJA begins his STORY

NINJA: The story starts a long time ago.
JET: Is this going to take a while?
NINJA: I don't know, maybe?
JET: Because I'm not sure how I feel about another long divergence from the main plot.
NINJA: What are you talking about?
JET: I'm asking the questions here!
NINJA: . . .
JET: . . .
NINJA: The story starts a long time ago. In a ninja dojo....

>Continue listening to STORY

348a - The NINJA begins his STORY

(And you swipe a COOKIE. Everybody likes COOKIES!)

>The NINJA begins his STORY

Monday, July 11, 2011

347 - Be amazed by COOKIE EFFICACY

The NINJA ninja-swipes a COOKIE and ninja-noms into it.

NINJA: Sweet lords, cookies! A ninja's only weakness!

The NINJA finishes the COOKIE in record time.

NINJA: You... you win. I'll tell you everything I know.

You are amazed by the EFFICACY of the COOKIE OFFER TECHNIQUE. This is an information gathering tactic that you were unfamiliar with.*

*On an unrelated NOTE, if the NINJA kicks the NINJA BUCKET, you're totally swiping that KATANA.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

346 - Interrogate NINJA

You move in for the INTERROGATION! (Finally!)

JET (BAD COP): OK, chump, you're going to give us answers, see?
BCF (GOOD COP): Well, I mean, if you want to....
JET: Even if you don't! Tell us--- WHERE IS JOHN CONNER???
NINJA: ...eh?
JET: Don't play dumb, you--- wait, I meant to ask WHO SENT YOU???
NINJA: I'll never tell!
BCF: Wait, we already know that one, ma'am. Invisible Shogun.
JET: What? Oh, right. Well then HOW MANY OF YOU WERE SENT???
NINJA: I'll never tell!
BCF: If you help us, I can help you out. I'm a medic and that wound looks pretty---
JET: Oh, not going to talk, eh? Well YES YOU ARE GOING TO TALK! Or there will be pain!
NINJA: There's already pain!
JET: There will be MORE pain if you don't talk!
BCF: Contrariwise, contrition could constitute considerable comfort.
NINJA: What? (assorted pain noises because of... well... he's been stabbed, remember?)
JET: Now we're getting somewhere! WHO ARE THE OTHER TARGETS???
NINJA: I'll never tell!
JET: Why you little---
BCF: Um, if you help us out Ninja, well...


Thursday, July 7, 2011

345 - Consider LAMP SELECTION

BRAXLEY comes back bearing two different LAMPS. Apparently, your ORDERS were a tad VAGUE. You tell him to hold on to the OLD-TIMEY GENIE LAMP YOU MIGHT FIND A GENIE IN and to set up the FLOOR LAMP by the dying (but oddly patient) NINJA. You explain that you will be playing the role of BAD COP, while BRAXLEY is to attempt to be GOOD COP.

As he sets up the proper LAMP for INTERROGATION, BRAXLEY asks if you have any more last minute instructions. Like... specific questions. Or really, anything in particular to... um... interrogate the NINJA about.

>Interrogate NINJA, finally!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

344 - Issue COMMAND!

BRAXLEY shuffles off to find you a TABLE LAMP to assist in your BY-THE-BOOK INTERROGATION.