Thursday, September 30, 2010

194 - Cast FINI SHER

You decide to finish off MONOCLE PIPE once and for all with a well-timed application of the "FINI SHER" spell (a spell which you hope is totally real and will finish him off, much like the spell's namesake, Finny Sher, lead singer for the heavy metal band Dire Ramifications, killed off the group's popularity by attempting to turn the band from heavy metal into a folk-pop quartet in the late 90's and early 2000's).

Huh? Oh, no MANA left. It looks like that TIME STOP took everything you had. Honestly, though, the little red dude doesn't look like he's long for this world. His PAL has already turned to BLOODY ASH and he looks like he's gonna follow soon.

ALAN: Hum. Cad, I think I should be leaving now.
CAD: What? Why?
ALAN: Reason one: that zombie looks like he loves me for my mind.
CAD: What?
ALAN: Reason two: I think this gizmo is gonna take me away soon whether I want it to or not.
CAD: What is that thing anyway, man?
ALAN: This? Oh, this is simply a
CAD: Aw. Snap.
ZT: brains... :(

Aw. ALAN has teleported back out before you could ask him to explain anything else. Like SCIENCE. Or BUTTONS. Or LOVE.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

193 - DO EEEET!


And exactly zero seconds later---

MP: Did that really just work?
ALAN: I really did not think that would work!
MP: My brain feels like toasted jelly beans.
ALAN: Cad, your success was highly improbable!
MP: Cotton marbles! Tulip grape... hopscotch....


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

192 - Query more!

CAD: OK, Alan, I'm gonna run a few more things past you. Let me know the odds, would ya?
ALAN: I can do that.
MP: Are you both quite serious? It's not like I have all day here!
ALAN: It appears that you were recently playing a board game. Was that an efficient use of time?
MP: There were extenuating circumstances!
CAD: Alan! What if I throw my hanky and it summons a bull? The bull would attack him because he's red, right?
MP: Racist.
ALAN: That's not how hankerchiefs work, Cad. Or bulls. Bulls are colorblind, like most mammals.
CAD: So why do they attack those bull fighter guys with the red capes?
ALAN: They're attracted to the motion of the "muleta," not its color. I think I've told you this before.
ZT: brains?
CAD: Whatever. Odds on punching him in the face and solving everything?
ALAN: One in 5000.
CAD: Odds of Paddington Hippo and sick red guy magically getting better without the potion and all of us becoming friends?
ALAN: One in 47,400.
ZT: brains.
CAD: Odds of the Barbershop Dishware learning the true meaning of love and eviscerating the guy on the table while singing "Welcome to the Jungle?"
ALAN: One in 548,200.
MP: One in 548,215!
ALAN: Hum. Yes, I can accept those numbers.
CAD: OK. Geez. Um. Odds of... me casting a time stop, switching the icecream cone and the gun, administering the antidote to Paddington through the vevuzela and stabbing one-eye-lens guy with the singing carving knife?
ALAN: One in 999,999.
CAD: ...all while on one leg?
ALAN: million to one against.
ZT: brains! 
CAD: I like those odds!

Monday, September 27, 2010

191 - Query ALAN

CAD: Hey, Alan. What's up?
ALAN: Not very much. I was just using this temporal dimensional device to---
CAD: That's cool. So, how likely is the red dude on the table to get out of this with his friend and the antidote?
ALAN: At a glance? Hum? Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating this situation is approximately 3,720 to 1.
CAD: Never tell me the odds! I mean, tell him, not me.
MP: I don't think you're in possession of all the facts, my good sir.
ALAN: Indeed, I am afraid my conjecture is based on a fairly limited field of data.
MP: That it is. You see, I've already conducted a similar calculation and while it may eventually be needful to leave my wife's brother here to die, I personally am in no danger whatsoever.
ALAN: Fascinating. I'm interested in what information sways the outcome so heavily in your favo---
CAD: Alan, catch!

You toss the BUTCH'R and the CYBORG EYE to ALAN.

It's not very effective....

ALAN got: CUT!

ALAN: I... only had one free hand, Cad. Sorry.

Summoning some of what remains of his STRENGTH, PADDINGTON shoots a spear into the ZOMBIE.

It's not very effective....

Saturday, September 25, 2010

190 - Use ANTIDOTE with---!

You zworp back from your dimension-hopping, SANDWICH ANTIDOTE in HAND.

What the heck happened in your absence?

PADDINGTON and RED GLASSES are both looking worse for wear, each having created, seemingly from nowhere, their own unique pile of VOMIT. Hang in there, Pad-Bro....

A ZOMBIE has entered the room, considerately coming pre-speared. He's also on fire, as is the ROOM you can see behind him. So your only path of escape is gone....

MONOCLE PIPE is standing on the table pointing some very SERIOUS BUSINESS at the QUEEN LADY'S FOREHEAD. It looks like he was expecting you....

MP: Ah, I see you've returned, and with the antidote, I presume?
CAD: Huh? Yeah, I'm going to give it to my hipbro.
MP: No, you're going to give it to... me!
CAD: Why?
MP: Ah, Mr. Wizard. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away. I need the antidote to save my foolish companion. If you do not give it to me, quickly at that, then your queen will suffer a... splitting headache!
CAD: A headache?
MP: Yes. It's a euphemism? I plan on shooting her?
CAD: Oh. Oh, yeah, I get it now.
MP: Quite. So as much as I abhor violence, especially on a personal scale such as this, you either give me the antidote or there will be a small hole in the head of state! GIVE ME THE ANTIDOTE!
ZT: brains?
CAD: Head of st---?


ALAN: Oh, hello Cad! What a pleasant surprise!

>Query ALAN

Friday, September 24, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

189 - Ask CAD-PAD for ANTIDOTE

You set about to SERIOUS BUSINESS. Assuming (correctly) that CAD-PAD has the SANDWICH ANTIDOTE (being so ultra-cool as he is), you ask him for the aforementioned SANDWICH ANTIDOTE. We'll just summarize what happens next.

(Note: Each color of text represents events occurring in a different parallel universe! It's not confusing in the least!)




You... leave behind the VIKING FEN CAR. It is far too gaudy for everyday use!


In exchange for the MILLION DOLLARS, DEVIL-PAD asks for a SOUL.


MULE-PAD offers his ASSISTANT, BRIAN, in exchange for a FLAMETHROWER.

It is determined that BRIAN also lacks a SOUL.

You eat a slice of PIZZA.

You attempt to pick up the BRIMSTONE, but your INVENTORY is full!

You ask ROBOPAD for his SOUL, but he's a ROBOT.


You combine the SHEEP, the GYM SOCKS and the TESLA MONSTROSITY to make an ELECTRIC SHEEP.

The ELECTRIC SHEEP doesn't fit in your inventory!

You eat your last slice of PIZZA.

You pick up the ELECTRIC SHEEP.

ROBOPAD gives you his PAPERCLIP in exchange for the ELECTRIC SHEEP.

You ask EVIL PAD for his SOUL, and he agrees to give it to you in exchange for a YOUR DEATH.

You give EVIL PAD your DISDAIN.


EVIL CADUNGERY (same universe) uses FIRE BALL!


You ask ZOMPAD for his SOUL, and he admits he has A SPARE SOUL.

In exchange for the SOUL, ZOMPAD asks for a BRAIN.


MULE-PAD gives you his BRIAN in exchange for the FLAMETHROWER!

You've added BRIAN to the PARTY!


You've got a BRAIN!

ZOMPAD gives you his SPARE SOUL in exchange for the BRAIN.

DEVIL-PAD gives you his MILLION DOLLARS in exchange for the SPARE SOUL.

CAD-PAD gives you his SANDWICH ANTIDOTE in exchange for the MILLION DOLLARS.

You've got the SANDWICH ANTIDOTE! My, what a long and tiring course of events!


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


You swipe the four KNIVES and the BUTCH'R, cramming all of the insanely sharp implements into your unused POCKET. You stash the RED POTION and the EMPTY POISON BOTTLE in your BOTTLE POCKET, along with the other EMPTY BOTTLE (formerly the GREEN POTION), the other RED POTION, the remaining GREEN POTION and the HAIR GEL. It is... possible that you're abusing the INVENTORY SYSTEM.

You check the label on the EMPTY SANDWICH POISON BOTTLE. It says "SANDWICH POISON." What, no cautions? No ingredient list? How many carbs? HOW MANY CARBS PER SERVING???

You hop down and decide to check if the SANDWICH POISON that was probably in the SANDWICH did any harm.

CAD: Um, so, hey, Queen Lady. You didn't happen to eat any of that "small triangular best sandwich ever made from what I had available at the time," did you?
QL: I did, actually. But don't worry your poor head, my boy. Do you really think there'd be any poisons in my own kitchen that I wasn't immune to?
CAD: OK, so that's one piece. Did anyone else eat any?
QL: Yes. The frothing, dying fellow beside you there?
CAD: Oh, yeah, OK. So you ate a piece and Red Specs here ate a piece. That leaves... that leaves...
QL: Just put it together. Four minus two. You've got this.
CAD: Leaves... two pieces. Where did they go?

The QUEEN LADY seems uncomfortable. She points toward the left of the room. You turn.

Monday, September 20, 2010

186 - Open NEXT

All right. Let's crack this next CABINET open. Hmm.

What's the situation? Two BOTTLES and a crap-load of CUTLERY

Four more KNIVES, a BUTCH'R, a RED POTION, and an EMPTY BOTTLE. There's a label on the empty one, reading "SANDWICH POISON."

Where did whatever was inside there go?

Oh. Ah.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Meanwhile, in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE....


You slam closed the CABINET DOORS. New rule: any SINGING DISHWARE gets smashed to little bits on sight.

Time to move on to the next CABINET.

>Open NEXT

Thursday, September 16, 2010




PLATE: Hello, folks! Or just you, Wizard! We're the Kitchen Cabinet Harmony Boys and boy oh boy, have we got a song for you!

Welcome to the jungle where we have fun (and games!)
We got everything you want (that you want!)
Honey we know the names (all the names!)
We are the people that can find (oh we can find!)
Whatever you may need (is it ketchup?)
If you got the money honey (we also have ho-o-oney!)
Then we got your diseeeeeeeeeeeeeease
    Then we got your diseeeeeeeeeease
        Then we got your diseeeeeease
            Then we have yo'r disease

Welcome to the jungle where we take it day (by day!)
If you want it you're gonna bleed (blood, blood, blood)
But it's the price you pay (you pay!)
And you're a very sexy girl (quite so!)
That's very hard to please (oh jeez!)
You can taste the bright lights
But you won't get them for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
                       Won't get them for free!
In the jungle, that jun-un-gle, the lion
             the mighty jungle,          what's he do?
He feeeeeeeeeeeels
My serpentine (his serpentine!)
I want, want, want (he wants, wants, wants!)
To hear you screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem scream
    To hear you screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem scream
         To hear you screeeeeeeeeeeem scream
                     I wanna hear you scream

You may wonder how we four can sing! (Can sing!)
Or what other sites this shelf may bring! (May bring!)
But if you're concerned, be wise and forwarned,
Nothing can save you frooooooooooooom
    nothing can save you frooooooooom
        nothing can save you frooooom
            nothing can save you from
                                            (You're gonna die!)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Looking for ingredients, you pop open the FREEZ'R and... ah. OK. There's a small blue CANDIMP in there with TWO SCOOPS.



You know what, let's just close that and move on to the next one. This... this is weird.

You pop open the next CABINET beside the FREEZ'R.

Oh no.

It's a dancing BARBERSHOP QUARTET made up of a PLATE, KNIFE, FORK and SPOON.

This... this is a NIGHTMARE. This is your own personal HELL. It can't get any worse. Not possibly.

Wait. They're... they're about to start singing.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

183 - Heft WHALE, search for MIXOLOGY CRAP

The BOARD GAME PLAYERS continue their game, and they're still talking, but I don't want to transcribe it and you don't want to read it, so we'll leave it at that for a while. (Or, if you really want some, here's a sample. MP: Quite!)

You toss the WHALE up on top of the cabinets. If anything goes down in here, at least she'll be safe. She's not really your whale anyway.

PADDINGTON smells something out the door and moves to investigate.

You, on the other hand, decide to quench your MANLY THIRST with a MANA-LY DRINK. Time to pop open some RANDOM DRAWERS and CABINETS and rifle through their contents for INGREDIENTS or sundry other LOOTABLE LOOT!


Monday, September 13, 2010


You offer the BOARD GAME PLAYERS quadrant triangles of the STBSEMFWYHAATT. The QUEEN LADY accepts one, as does RED SPECTACLES. MONOCLE PIPE refuses.

MP: Sorry, chappy. Can't be too careful with what's what, eh?
CAD: Huh?
MP: When some fine fellow offers you a sandwich in the middle of a warzone, well, venomous diplomacy being what it is, surely you understand.
CAD: What?
QL: He's referring to poison, my dear boy. These sandwiches aren't poisoned, are they?
CAD: What? No.
RS: So you say. Unfortunately we can't confirm that, can we?

The QUEEN LADY and RED SPECTACLES munch happily away on their TRIANGLES.

CAD: OK, that's cool. I guess.
MP: Quite so! Cool indeed!
RS: And crisp lettuce!
MP: And who are you anyway?
CAD: My name is Cad---
QL: He's obviously a wizard. Need we say more?
CAD: Uh, need we? If yeah, my name is Cad---
MP: Well, no, you're correct, Majesty. Quite improprietous of me to ask such!
CAD: OK. Whatever. What are you guys doing anyway?
QL: We're having a battle.
CAD: Uh, no. No you're not. I've seen battle. This isn't that.
MP: It's a battle of wits.
CAD: For the Queen?
MP: *nods*
CAD: To the death?
MP: *nods* You see, friend, we two were sent to apprehend or dismember the Queen.
RS: Either way, really.
MP: But she's a clever foe.
RS: Hence, why we two specifically were dispatched for this task.
MP: So we challenged her to a battle by proxy, and here we are.
QL: Quite a civil war.
RS: *Chuckle*

What the SAM W. HECK is wrong with theses guys?

>Heft WHALE, search for MIXOLOGY CRAP

Friday, September 10, 2010

181 - Make a SANDWICH

You dispatch PADDINGTON and WHALE CHICK to listen in on the gamer conversation while you create the BEST SANDWICH EVER (or the best which could be made with the supplies you have on hand).

MP (MONOCLE PIPE): Well, crumbuckets, Majesty. I do believe that you were well aware that I wished to place a road there.
QL (QUEEN LADY): Oh, did I? If so, it would have been rather rude of me, wouldn't it?
MP: Quite so.
RS (RED SPECTACLES): Quite, quite. But perhaps that entire section of road was just a feint, eh, my bemonocled associate?
MP: That would be quite devious of me, wouldn't it?
QL: Indeed, and it would explain your several face-down cards under the table. An unnecessary measure, that.
MP: But would I sacrifice my chances to attain the points for the longest road so lightly? Indeed, by any nominal observation, it appears your move and choice of road placement locations has caused irreparable harm to such a plan.
RS: Quite, quite. While the good Majesty seems unconcerned with the longest road, as her progress blunts your pipe-smoking plans, but does not in any way advantage her towards the long road that you've mentioned.
QL: Couldn't it? I see you've deduced an alternate means by which my victory can be assendant.
MP: As have I, quite. But your over-reliance on your solitary sheep-producing city has left you vulnerable to attack, has it not, Majesty?
QL: Yes, and with your sizable hand of cards there is a good chance you can exploit that fact.
RS: Unless... the sheep are merely a blind.
MP: Quite. It is possible
QL: It is within the realm of the possible.
RS: We shall see now, shan't we MP?
MP: Oh, we shall. We shall, indeed.

And it goes on and on like that.



Thursday, September 9, 2010

180 - Go NORTH

You head NORTH to the KITCHEN DOOR while PADDINGTON grabs some random DONUT off the floor. You move to open the DOOR, but PAD stops you.

CAD: What's up, Pad-Bro?
PAD: . . .
CAD: Take her with us? Why?
PAD: . . .
CAD: Why---oh. Oh! You sly dog!
PAD: . . !
CAD: OK, OK, I'll carry her. Come on, Whale Chick.

You pick up the TEDDY WHALE and carry her through the DOOR toward the KITCHEN. Secretly, PADDINGTON wishes he were the one carrying her over the threshold. Ah, young stuffed love. He---

*sniff* *sniff*

CAD: Do you guys smell something burning? Or dead people? Behind us? Eh, it's probably nothing worth turning around for.

You head obliviously NORTH into the KITCHEN.

You are now in a nicely-furnished KITCHEN. In the center of the room, two CANDIMPS and some OLDER CROWN CHICK are playing some kind of BOARD GAME (the kind that your friends RHYS, JILL, and ALAN used to play). They all seem thoroughly immersed in the game and oblivious to your presence (or even the presence of the giant whale, which means they're pretty dang immersed).

There are a number of CABINETS and DRAWERS built into the wall, along with a COUNTER with slices of HAM, some TOMATO, LETTUCE and a PICKLE SLICE. A LOAF OF BREAD sits nearby. You have no idea what nefarious purpose these ARCANE COMPONENTS could be put to, what ILL BLASPHEMY could be wrought by their EVIL MAGICKS or--- oh, wait, no, it's food.

A CARVING KNIFE sits near a CANISTER SET at the other end of the COUNTER, next to a REFRIGERATOR/FREEZER UPRIGHT COMBO. The only other fixtures are a FAUCET at the SINK and a MICROWAVE.

Rounding out the room, there is a SMALL MOUSE near its MOUSE HOLE and a single TRAFFIC CONE on top of the whole cabinet-y mess. The only other exit to the room is blocked by some sort of SOLID OBSTRUCTION whose nature currently defies explanation.


Paddington must possess the donut.

Beyond his quest.

Beyond his friendship.

Beyond his very will to live.

Paddington must possess the donut.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

179 - Explain... more...

CAD: OK, bear with me here. I'm not actually his owner, really. I'm his operator. See, he's actually a robot Teddyborg. Or something. And---
GHG: How stupid do you think we are?
CAD: Which one of you? No, see, look at this sweet cybernetic eye I'm going to be installing in him when I get a chance! Robot! Totally!
GHG: Why you stupid---
PHG: Argh! Both of you, shut the f---

A HOVERSAUR bearing a CASTLE SOLDIER swoops down the stairs and stops before the GRIZZLED WARROR

HR (HOVERSAUR RIDER): General! Thank goodness I found you.
HR: I escorted a duo of adventurers upstairs to rescue the Princess. While up there, I recieved word that a Mule Kick Air Cruiser was inbound.
GW: What? But we only sent out the distress signal an hour ago! Unless...
HR: Sir?
GW: Unless Mule Kick knew the Candimps were going to strike! If they're in league, we have no time to lose. Give me your Hoversaur. I need to get to the King immediately! Head back upstairs, help those adventurers save the Princess. Wizard! You need to get through the kitchen and rescue the Queen!
CAD: (Offscreen) Can't we just stand around for a few more turns and do nothing productive?
GW: NO! We need to move this plot along! Get to the beacon! I mean, get to the Queen!

GENERAL WARRIOR mounts the HOVERSAUR and swoops over the railing, disappearing downstairs. The former HOVERSAUR RIDER disappears back up the stairs. The members of PETT pull out GRAPPLING HOOK GUNS and fire skyward.

PHG: A Mule Kick airship? They have shoot-on-sight instructions to deal with any Pirates for the Ethical Treatment of Teddys!
GHG: First mate, we've got to get back to the ship!
PHG: Yeah. But this isn't over, Wizard. We'll be back for the Hippo.
GHG: You've made a powerful enemy this day. Someday, we'll free all the Teddys. FOR FREEDOM!
DD: freeeeeedom!

They soar up toward the vaulted ceiling. There's probably, like, a window, or something up there. Probably. Is that really a concern for you guys right now? I mean, really? They have grappling guns like freaking Batman and you're interested in the architectural nuances of a freaking castle filled with Candimps and Hoversaurs? There are freaking dinosaurs with rockets for legs/feet! Gosh! You know what? Just for that, we're gonna do a quick cut-away somewhere else while I seethe. So...


MC (MULE CREWMAN): Captain, we're only fifteen minutes out from the castle, sir.
MC (MALEVOLENT CAPTAIN) wait, same initials, dang it! OK.
EE (EVIL EXECUTIVE): excellent. our plan continues on shed-ule. so much depends upon... it. MWAHAHAHA!

CADUNGERY MUFFINBOTTOM III stands in the same room where he has been, along with PADDINGTON SATCHMO HIPPOPOTAMUS I and THE TEDDY WHALE. His (Cad's) mission to save the QUEEN (Remember? We agreed?) is once again free from obstacles. What will he do?


Friday, September 3, 2010

178 - Cast and present FAKE DOCS

You quickly and discreetly cast FAKE DOCS, creating an impressive SET OF CREDENTIALS which prove, indisputably, that you are the owner of your sweet bro PAD.

CAD: Yeah, I didn't kidnap Paddington Satchmo Hippo. These papers prove that I'm his rightful owner. Maybe you're the kidnappers, eh?
PHG: OK. But...
GHG: You realize that ownership of the Teddys is exactly what we're fighting against, right? And that we do plan on kidnapping them if needed to free them, right?
CAD: Of course I understa--- oh. OK. Give me a second here.

Nothing else interesting is happening here, so let's see how our friend the zombie UN-TED is doing.
He seems to be making friends.

>Explain... more...

177 - Look to the EAST in SHOCK

You gasp in shock and look to your left, dropping the WHALE behind you.

CAD: Who are you?
PHG (PINK HAIRED GIRL): We are the sky pirates of P.E.T.T, the Pirates for the Ethical Treatment of Teddys!
CAD: Teddys? Like, the lingerie?
PHG: No, you idiot! Like the Teddy Animals!
CAD: What are you doing here? There's some kind of war or something going on.
PHG: Well, since you asked, I'm the roguish airship pirate first mate of the airship "Freedomancer", and I've been sent here to rescue that Teddy Whale over there, which we use to power the air-dinghy from our air-ship. She's angsty because of her overbearing mother and has fled to rethink her rash decision, taking a vast fortune with her, which she stores in her stomach. I'm probably going to have to kill you, since I think you probably kidnapped her or led her to leave or something, along with that poor, tortured Teddy Hippo behind you there.
CAD: What? Seriously?
PHD: No, I'm kidding. Do you really think airships are be powered by whales? Whales and flower pots can't fly! They know that! What kind of fool are you, buddy?
CAD: I'm the awesome kind. If you're not here for the whale, then---
PHD: No, no, we are here for the whale. And the hippo. And the two other Teddys that have been spotted here, subservient in the castle. It is our sworn duty to free them!
DD (DROOLING DOCTOR): freeeeeedom!
PHD: Freedom! So, anyway, just hand over the Hippo and the Whale and no one gets hurt.

>Cast and present FAKE DOCS

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

176 - Roll WHALE over EDGE

Having beaten the CANDIMPS, you revel, revel in your victory. In thanks for your assistance, the RICH YOUNG WHALE coughs up 23 VARIOUS MONIES (which you collect immediately). You also scoop up the SWEET CYBORG EYE from the STAIRS.

Looking down over the RAILING, you see that the floor below (some kind of large FOYER (foy-ay)) has a few inches of water covering it. Well, water is the WHALE'S natural environs, right? Better toss her down. You scoop up the WHALE (which you can do since you're stronger, nay, better than a freakin' MAGE) and prepare to chuck her.


VOICE TO THE RIGHT: What are you doing? Put her down!

>Look to the EAST in SHOCK