Thursday, March 31, 2011

300 - Take a SIDEBAR with COUNCIL

You tell the CAPTAIN that you need a moment and drag LT. M BISON downstage for some advice. He is wise beyond his years (or year? Day?). Thankfully, it appears he is quite well prepared for this discussion.

According to his CHART, it appears you can... hmm... OK, can't just become PIRATE QUEEN directly. The CHART seems to be changing on that, from the plan being possible to impossible. Weird. That... really should be possible... right? In any case, the LIEUTENANT seems to think that you can still become PIRATE QUEEN by helping any of the three CAPTAINS win the election. He assumes the CAPTAIN McBEARD will make you a similar offer as the ones presented by STEELWOOD and MANBREATH. Once you aid any of them, BISON posits, you will be in a position to eventually become PIRATE QUEEN, possibly by betraying whoever you end up helping. They would curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Playing them off of each other may weaken them and make it easier, sure, but if it was easy enough to just become the LEADER then someone else would have done it by now! Maybe you can get the NINJAS to help you? Man... it's all so complex... so very needlessly complex....

That pirate version of you in the picture is pretty stylish. You gotta get some new DUDS.

It's too bad that you have absolutely no idea if any of your FRIENDS are alive. Well, aside from that ONE GUY who snubbed you in the UNDERWATER BASE. You could use some backup here if you're going to take over the WORLD (which, according to the giant, detailed MAP to the right, is pretty big).

OK. So, back on topic. You thank LT. BISON for his guidance and return to CAPTAIN MANBREATH THREEPLANK.

JET: I accept your sidequest and wish you well, studly captain!
MANBREATH: Excellent! I look forward to working with you. It's nice to find someone I can trust.
JET: And you can definitely trust me implicitly!
MANBREATH: Excellent again! I must be off. Someone else may be in charge of the island's defense, but I have my own small part to play, as well as seeing to my election campaign quest!
JET: That sounds exciting.
MANBREATH: Oh, it is. If you need me for anything, some of my men are posted on guard duty around town. They'll convey any messages to me. Feel free to use any means at your disposal to undermine my opponents--- but pretty please don't kill anyone. Good luck!

The CAPTAIN and his MEN leave the PORT AUTHORITY.

>Examine MAP

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

299 - Gather INFORMATION

OK, time to assess the situation. You mentally compile the following information as honestly as possible:
  • Captain Manbreath Threeplank Manipulability Index: 8!
  • Jill Elysia Thunderson Manipulability Index: 8!
  • Election Time Crunch Index: Very low!
Hmm. You analysis indicates that both you and the CAPTAIN are equally matched in your ability to CONTROL and MANIPULATE each other. This could prove worrisome. Your FEMININE WILES give you a decent bonus over a ladies man like him, but his CHARM is second only to... someone who will remain unnamed. Also, it seems like the ELECTION is later than sooner, what with the current NINJA BATTLE CRISIS, so you have a safe margin for whatever you're planning.

JET: That's a nice chest you have there.
MANBREATH: Thank you, I work out.
JET: I meant the one behind you.
MANBREATH: Ah, yes! That's my inventory. I store some of the items I've accumulated over years of adventuring in there.
JET: I could find a good use for that... such as carrying things while I undertake assorted tasks for various people.
MANBREATH: Oh, you're an adventurer, are you?
JET: Why, yes, I am! Are you--- no, you're not an adventurer too, are you?
MANBREATH: I am! What a coincidence! Maybe we can be of use to each other?
JET: Well... I have been looking for some... things... and maybe a sidequest...?
MANBREATH: I have a sidequest I could lend you! You know, if you'd like a chest of your own--- and I'll avoid the obvious remark here ---as well as a lot of inventory items, I could use your help. I'm running for Pirate Lord of the South. There are two other men vying for the job as well: Captain Ironbeard McBeard and Captain Steelwood Corsair. If you were to help me win the election, I could get you whatever esoteric inventory items you could possibly want, in addition to providing various quest assistance in the future. I'd just like your help to get the others out of the race. What do you say?

Monday, March 28, 2011

298 - Flirt with the CAPTAIN

No specific purpose really, but you may as well flirt with the good CAPTAIN for a bit. Hopefully you're not too rusty....

JET: Why, hello there, sailor.
MANBREATH: Hello there, yourself, beautiful. Is it that obvious that I'm a sailor?
JET: Is it that obvious that I'm beautiful?
MANBREATH: First thing that struck me, actually.
JET: That's not the last thing that'll strike you if you're not careful.
MANBREATH: Oh? Are we talking you or lightning? 'Cause I've been struck by lightning once, and it doesn't strike the same place twice.
JET: But I'm not lightning. I'm thunder. Jill Thunderson, to be exact.
MANBREATH: I'm Manbreath Threeplank, mighty pirate.
JET: Mighty handsome pirate.
MANBREATH: Mighty kind, ma'am. Mighty kind.

OK, well, that's a good flirt. (Also, you notice that he has a small GOLD KEY hanging on a NECKLACE.) Are we going anywhere with this flirting or do we let him go?


Sunday, March 27, 2011

297 - Examine ROOM

Oh, yeah, you totally forgot to look around when you came in. The inside of the PORT AUTHORITY is, at its most basic level, a large open room with a whole bunch of FILING CABINETS lining the wall. Most of them appear unremarkable, but two things catch your eye. One DRAWER is labeled "DOILIES" and the CABINET next to it is red, behind a RED VELVET ROPE, and seems to have locking mechanisms (otherwise known as LOCKS). A stack of ORANGE TRAFFIC CONES sits between the CABINETS and the DOOR. They're close enough to touch. So you touch them. (They feel cold and lonely.)


There are a number of PEOPLE in the room. Immediately recognizable from his picture is CAPTAIN MANBREATH THREEPLANK, a rather dashing fellow. Three of his CREW stand beside him, one carrying a LARGE CHEST while another, having turned around, eyes you warily. You wave and smile pleasantly. It's not like you have anything against PIRATES, after all. Across the room stands a somewhat perturbed BUREAUCRAT and a distraught BUREAUCRAT'S SON. His little tears... so sad....

Oh, and against the far WALL, just out of frame, is a really super detailed MAP of what appears to be the entire WORLD. Funny, it looks a bit different than you remember....

>Flirt with CAPTAIN

Thursday, March 24, 2011


You enter the PORT AUTHORITY BUILDING to see a conversation already in progress.

BUREAUCRAT: But what do you need that bucket of glue for?
CAPTAIN MANBREATH THREEPLANK: No need to worry yourself with that, my good man! It may or may not have something to do with getting the menu from the restaurant so that I can pop the balloons and get the wood stain.
BUREAUCRAT: Why don't you just ask someone for wood stain?
MANBREATH: Wha---just---just ask? You've never dealt with an adventurer before, have you?
BUREAUCRAT: Please leave, Captain. You're quite annoying.
MANBREATH: Oh, I'm sorry! I'll be on my way, then. Goodbye, sir. Please tell goodbye to your little dancing monkey there, too.
BUREAUCRAT: This is my son!
MANBREATH: Oh. Well that's good. I'm fresh out of bananas.

>Examine ROOM

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

295 - Loot PIRATE

You make sure no one is around and proceed to stealthily loot the UNCONSCIOUS PIRATE before the DOCTOR shows up

First, you swipe the RED DOMINO MASK and BANDANNA (or "HEAD-KER-CHIEF"), as well as a set of WHITE COTTON GLOVES. Without any EMPTY POCKETS, you slip the DEAD FISH you've been carrying into the MOUSE'S APARTMENT POCKET. He... doesn't mind too much. You also pick up the FLINTLOCK and slip it into... well, that's going into the MOUSE'S APARTMENT as well. Since there's a metric crap-ton of AMMUNITION, you just sort of scatter it around between the pockets. But a lot of it goes into the MOUSE POCKET. He remains tolerant, largely because he's fond of the FAMOUS JOKE about the MOUSE, the FISH and the PISTOL. Oh man. That one always cracks you up.

Oh, you don't know that joke? All the smart people know that one. You're smart, aren't you? Yeah, I thought so. So it is a funny joke, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!?!?

. . .

You head into the PORT AUTHORITY. What are you going to find in there?


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

294 - Knock out CAPTAIN STEELWOOD. Take his WIG. Assume his IDENTITY. Accept the henchmen's SURPRISINGLY FICKLE LOYALTIES.

But meanwhile, in an alternate universe...

JET: I'd love a job!

STEELWOOD and his CREW seem pleased by this development. While your actual motives may be somewhat more vague than your statement would suggest, you have the distinct impression that this was the only course of action which wouldn't result in a hole in your head. Oh my, how... specific.

CSC: Excellent. I'll leave you to it, then. I'll send a doctor to tend to my fallen. And should you have need of me, you can find me down the street to the west, near the bridge. Good evening, Miss Thunderson.

The CAPTAIN and his men march off to the WEST, leaving you, your own CREW, and the UNCONSCIOUS PIRATE to your own devices.

What do you do?


Monday, March 21, 2011

293 - Answer

JET: Look, I... I'm looking for answers. I guess I'd settle for a job working for you.
CSC: Understood. I can probably help you with the former, and definitely help with the latter.
JET: You have a job for me?
CSC: Of course. An adventurer like yourself can be quite a useful asset.
JET: What do you need?
CSC: Not what I need, really, but what I want is for you to help the other two candidates for Pirate Lord lose the election. I need you to embarrass or incapacitate "Ironbeard" McBeard and Manbreath Threeplank. No murder, no permanent harm, though. They're both quite useful to our nation in their own way.
JET: And in return you'll give me answers?
CSC: If I win the election, you'll have the full power of the Pirate South behind you, as well as my personal connections. Fair deal?
JET: ...and you really don't mind that we knocked out one of your men?
CSC: Not really. Look, I'm in a hurry, Jill, battles to be fought, ninjas to kill, et cetera. Do we have a deal?

>Knock out CAPTAIN STEELWOOD. Take his WIG. Assume his IDENTITY. Accept the henchmen's SURPRISINGLY FICKLE LOYALTIES.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Weekend filler! (LARP-1)

I'm gone for the weekend, so here's a filler comic. Next update Monday night! (Also, background art courtesy of MineCraft.)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

292 - Panic, Attack!

Your petty vandalism must have angered the locals! Ahhh! You spin around and lash out at the PIRATES with your STYLIZER and HOSE, buying time to think of an actual plan. The MOUSE and M. BISON join in with a concerted strike. The PIRATE LEADER steps back and watches the various PARRIES and THRUSTS.

JET: You fight like a dairy farmer!
CAPTAIN: How appropriate. You fight like a... hmm.... Impressive.

The CAPTAIN steps forward and easily disarms you of your HOSE. M. BISON and the MOUSE retreat to your side, though it appears M. BISON has managed to SAVAGELY RAVAGE his target.

CAPTAIN: Jill Elysia Thunderson, I presume?
JET: How do you know that name???
CAPTAIN: You wrote it on the bulletin board.
JET: Um, I thought that was your name!
CAPTAIN: Don't be silly, Jill. I don't do silly.
JET: Who are you?
CAPTAIN: Captain Steelwood Corsair, of the Corsair Isle Corsairs.
JET: Steelwood? I expected Ironwood.
CSC: Iron? No, I'm much more refined.
JET: What do you want?
CSC: You seem like you might be useful to me.
JET: Useful how?
CSC: So many questions, Jill! Before I tell you what I need from you, tell me something: what is it that you want? I should mention that my family is very rich and very powerful. What are you seeking here on Corsair Isle?

Good question....

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

291 - Attach NAMES

From left to right, the PIRATE CANDIDATES are...
  1. "Ironbeard" McBeard
  2. Manbreath Threeplank and...
  3. Jill Elysia Thunderson!
Yes. You've substituted your name for the name of the final candidate and scribbled it onto the BULLETIN as part of a cunning plan to become the next PIRATE KING! Mwahaha!


Mwahah--- hey, what's wrong, M. Bison?

>Panic, Attack

Monday, March 14, 2011


You put the SODA and COCONUT HALVES into your pockets and head over to read the BULLETIN BOARD. You summarize. The main development around here seems to be the assassination of the PIRATE LORD of the SOUTH, SILVER JIM PEGBEARD. Killed by agents of the INVISIBLE SHOGUN. One has been captured, now held in the PRISON. This is basically all the same stuff that the one GUARD by the LIGHTHOUSE told you.

Oh, this is new! Apparently, they're already beginning the process of picking the next PIRATE LORD! That's pretty quick. Maybe they have a high turnover rate? Only PIRATE CAPTAINS who have proven their METTLE can vote in the elections (and you're, sadly, not a PIRATE CAPTAIN). There are three main CANDIDATES for the job listed on the BOARD. Each has a short blurb about their QUALITIES, along with a SKETCH.

The first CANDIDATE, to the left, is known for his GREAT STRENGTH and PROWESS IN BATTLE. A bit on the rough side, he's a PIRATE TRADITIONALIST and has been a long time advocate for stronger action against the EAST.

The second CANDIDATE, to the right, represents the ADVENTURER PIRATES. Charming and clever, he generally tries to resolve problems peacefully, using careful DIALOG OPTIONS and INVENTORY ITEMS. He's long favored extending a DIPLOMATIC HAND toward the EAST for reconciliation.

The third CANDIDATE, to the left, is known as a RUTHLESS PRAGMATIST. Currently in charge of CORSAIR ISLE'S defenses, his knowledge and skill in STRATEGY and NAVAL TACTICS are second to none. While he has a reputation as a difficult man to work with, his abilities are never in doubt. His stance on relations with the EAST are unclear.

These guys seem like the leaders right now. Maybe one (or more) of them would have WORK for you?

Hmm. Their names are listed here, but they're... kind of hard to read... or something. You'll read them, out loud, next turn. So what are their names?

>Attach NAMES

Sunday, March 13, 2011

By Request - World Map

Per an e-mail request, this map shows all explored locations. Note that it is a bit abstract, so compass directions don't always work. Also note that everything is just sort of crammed in there, so something like the Northern Castle isn't actually just south of or below Fort Ferris. Back to a regular update on Monday! It will involve bulletin board reading!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

289 - Go WEST, open COCONUT

You head EAST to the edge of TOWN, ready to crack open your COCONUT with the STYLIZER. This should prove easy enough.

You crack open your COCONUT with the STYLIZER. It proved easy enough.

What the heck...?


A... NINJA(?) appears out of the COCONUT and looks around momentarily before examining you. Without a word, he hands you a CAN OF 1UP SODA before disappearing in a puff of SMOKE.

Sweet! Soda! This should be--- aw, seriously?

It's cranberry flavored? Bah. Stupid ninja fruit.


This has been an... odd turn of events.

>Check MAP?

288 - Head to TOWN

You get directions to town (SOUTH along the beach, then follow the path WEST) and head that way. As you walk (rejoined by M. BISON), you scoop up a COCONUT. It shouldn't be that hard to crack it open.

Hmm. It feels... odd. Could something strange be inside this COCONUT? Something stranger than MILK, which, really, what's that doing in there? MILK COMES FROM COWS. OR SUPERMARKETS.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

287 - Query for LOCATION

JET: Um, yar. I... be a little lost. Where am I?
SM: What? Have ye been sleeping with the fishes? This be Corsair Isle, the capital of the South! Unfortunately, the island be under martial law right now.
JET: What? Why?
SM: Yar, 'tis sad. Our Pirate Lord, Silver Jim Pegbeard, was taken out by some of those blighted ninja from the East. Our forces be currently working to eliminate pockets of them--- they be wreckin' bloody havoc around the island! Everything's a bloody mess.
JET: Is that why the lighthouse is closed?
SM: Aye. We fear enemy forces may try to shut 'er down and cackle as our ships ram the shore.
JET: That would be bad.
SM: Aye. I've heard our forces captured at least one o' the blighters, though. Yar.... 
JET: Look, um, I'm kind of between... everythings at the moment. Any chance your boss might have a job for me?
SM: Well, you don't seem like a bad lot. I'm sure one o' them could find something for you, especially with tonight's skerfluffle! They be all back in town if ya' want to find 'em. No hurry, though. Feel free to loit'r here as long as you want, but don't touch the lighthouse, yeah? We'd have to stick ya with our bloody sharp swords. Sorry. 'Tis our job, ma'am.

>Head to TOWN

Monday, March 7, 2011

286 - Go NORTH, finally!

You are standing in front of a LIGHTHOUSE on a BEACH. Two MEN with BADGES stand beside a small FIRE, watching as you approach. A small ROWBOAT is tied to a POST in the SAND, and its OARS lie nearby. On the LIGHTHOUSE itself, two RED CANDLES give off a little bit of light, the one on the right dripping RED HOT RED WAX onto a wooden CRATE. You can also see some ROCKS, a CRAB, and a BUCKET (filled with WATER).

Your friend M. BISON hides in the FOLIAGE to the UPPER LEFT, providing overwatch.

The SHOELESS MAN gestures for you to stop.

SM: Yar, I be sorry, ma'am, but the lighthouse be closed. Please r'turn to yar home.

>Query for location

Sunday, March 6, 2011

285 - Help TURTLE to the SEA




You'll get to that LIGHTHOUSE to the NORTH next turn, even if it kills you!**

*Which takes longer than one might expect!
**Or kills the writer....

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

283 - Take INVENTORY

The last thing you remember... you had just raced down a very DANGEROUS HALLWAY and managed to get into a BATHYSPHERE mere moments before an explosion. You may have... bumped your head. Really, really hard. What happened after the explosion? You can't remember anything. You must have been knocked unconscious.

You stand up (which kind of hurts) and move to check your friends. LIEUTENANT M. BISON gets up almost immediately. He seems to be in pain, but he's a trooper. He's a real trooper. The MOUSE is also OK, as is his EASY CHAIR (but his small TELEVISION, it seems, has been a casualty). You also pick up your STYLIZER (the HAIRDRYER + SWORD) and very carefully start drying yourself off with it.

Looking around, you are on a sandy BEACH beside a thick JUNGLE on a clear, moonless night. Next to you is some DRIFTWOOD and a small TURTLE (who seems bound and determined to make it to the SEA). Farther NORTH along the shore is a LIGHTHOUSE. Near its base, it looks like some MEN with a FIRE and a BOAT or something.

Exits are NORTH (toward the LIGHTHOUSE), WEST (down a well-marked trail into the JUNGLE), SOUTH (down the dark, empty BEACH) or EAST (into the OCEAN, which is included just for the sake of completeness).

You'll grab the miniature EASY CHAIR and HOSE momentarily, but for now, what do you do next?

>Ride the Bison NORTH