Monday, August 30, 2010

174 - Cast MAGE BOLT

Cadungery deals 6 damage to Candimp (1)!
Candimp (1) is slain!
MAGE BOLT uses 1 Mana! (10/25 Mana)

Paddington reloads "ISHMAEL"!

Candimp (2) deals 3 damage to Cad!
Cad is at 9/18 HP!

Cyborg Candimp uses LASER EYE!
But Grizzled Warrior defends with REFLECT!
Grizzled Warrior deals 7 damage to Cyborg Candimp!
Cyborg Candimp isn't looking too hot!
(Unless you count the Laser! Which literally "looks" and "is hot"!)
(The pun deals 1 damage to Grizzled Warrior!)
(The Grizzled Warrior is at ??/?? HP!)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

(Long) Weekend Filler





Tuesday, August 24, 2010

173 - Cast WAVE POOL!

It's not very effective...
(Since they're on an upper floor with only a railing separating them from a big opening to below.)
Aquatic Creatures gain a +0 Bonus!
WAVE POOL uses 2 Mana! (11/25 Mana)

Candimp (1) deals 4 damage to Cad!
Cad is at 12/18 HP!

Paddington deals 6 damage to Candimp (1)!

Candimp (2) attacks Paddington!
Candimp (2) misses!

Cyborg Candimp deals 9 damage to Grizzled Warrior!
The Grizzled Warrior is at ??/?? HP!

Grizzled Warrior deals 12 damage to Cyborg Candimp!

Monday, August 23, 2010

172 - Go EAST

You head EAST and arrive in VERY LARGE ROOM decorated in a kind of NOUVEAU MEDIEVAL STYLE, based loosely on NEO-CASTELLAN REVIVAL SENSIBILITIES, merged with a DISTINCTIVE FAUX-"JE NE SAIS QUOI" that speaks volumes about the designers' OBJECTIVES and SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT.

However, you don't have time for any of that CRAP. Little IMP GUYS infest this portion of the room as well, three of them (that you can see). Two of them are accosting a noble TEDDY WHALE (who bears a PURSE and a STRING OF PEARLS) while a third, watching with a CYBORG EYE from the stairs above, has spotted YOU and your PARTY. He bellows to his CRONIES to prepare a suitable DEATH for you. The poor STUFFED SEA CREATURE, being a rough approximation of a NORMAL SEA CREATURE, seems quite unable to defend herself on LAND (or CASTLE FLOOR, as the case may be (and is)).

She mews at you miserably.

(PADDINGTON, blessed with a remarkable sense of smell, determines from the WHALE'S PHEROMONES that she is (sniff, sniff)... afraid, but also (sniff, sniff)... rich, single, and... (sniff, sniff, sniff) emotionally available. And you know, in the right light... she might even be cute....)


Sunday, August 22, 2010

171 - Come on back, CAD

Huh? Oh, right, we're still in this VAULT ROOM. Should we be moving on... or not... or what...? The GRIZZLED WARRIOR does not seemed pleased with this delay.


170 - Release the BEAST upon THOSE WHO HAVE ANNOYED YOU!

You imagine sicking A GIANT MUTANT PADDINGTON on the CITY, wrecking untold havoc and crushing those who have annoyed you! Those like... those like.... People such as....

Hmm. Maybe it would be best to check what you have rattling around in your memories, specifically from those memories that came from before you woke up in that room a few minutes back.

  1. You, CADUNGERY MUFFINBOTTOM III, incredibly handsome, rich, and awesome. None can compare to your staggering strength, intellect, speed or charisma. Women want you and men want to be you. In fact, you came up with that phrase at one point while being totally cool.
  2. Your friend ALAN. Almost as smart as you. You would trust him to the ENDS OF THE EARTH.
  3. Your... friend RHYS. He's like a SIDEKICK for you, really, always hanging out with you in order to leech off some of your total AWESOMENESS. Always wears a freaking SUIT for some reason.
  4. JET, or JILL ELYSIA THUNDERSON as you sometimes call her. She's been in love for you since forever, though she tries to hide it under a facade of sarcasm and a pretense of frequently ignoring you. Even went so far as to "date" RHYS to mask her true feelings for you.
  5. PIZZAPOLYLPSE. You despise this CHAIN OF PIZZA PARLORS, though you can't exactly remember why. The hatred smells ever so faintly of OREGANO, however.
Unfortunately, that's all you have left in the haze of your MOVIE-STYLE AMNESIA. Your FRIENDS and your intense loathing of that particular PIZZA PLACE. Hrm. Well, I guess releasing your HIPPO upon those who have annoyed you can wait until you remember who they are. Until then, might as well release him upon those DEMON DUDES.

>Come on back, CAD

Thursday, August 19, 2010

168 - Place HAND gently on IMP'S SHOULDER

You place your HAND on the LITTLE RED DUDE'S SHOULDER and try to cheer him up.

Then you punch through his SKULL with your FIST and he turns into a pile of DUST.

Looking around the room and seeing a lot of interesting things, you decide that the most pressing matter is to ask about that one guy's CYBORG EYE.

CAD: Hey, what's with that guy's cyborg eye?
GW: Ah. That is a long story for a different time, Wizard. During the last war, many of us were eye-plucked by our vicious foes, though some of us were lucky enough to get cybernetic replacements or other prosthesis. Those were ill times, my lad.

Huh. Well, time to loot!


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

167 - Go EAST

You head EAST and enter the next room. A large VAULT DOOR is built into the back wall, leading to an IMPREGNABLE VAULT filled with UNIMAGINABLE WEALTH. You try to imagine it, but you fail for obvious reasons. Let's just say it's a METRIC CRAP-TON of WEALTH. Maybe you can ask the GRIZZLED WARRIOR about it later. He seems to know... things... about STUFF.

There's a WINDOW over there, too. Hopefully there isn't one of those in the VAULT. That would be a serious design flaw.

But you don't have time to check out any of this in further detail, despite the strangely verbose description here, because ahead of you is a BATTERED CANDIMP, his HELM and SPEAR discarded after a long hard battle, wherein his ALLIES were all killed, just as his ENEMIES were dispatched. Breathing heavily, wounded, he stands proud of his victory.

You're behind him. His day is not going to get any better.

And speaking of days not getting any better, let's check in on TED THE FORMER GUARD for a second!

Huh. Well, since you don't know about him turning into a ZOMBIE from that GREEN NECROMANCY POTION you poured on him, just ignore that, OK? Focus! What are you gonna do about that little RED DEVIL in the VAULT ROOM?

>Place HAND gently on IMP'S SHOULDER

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

166 - Loot, Use GREEN POTION on CORPSE

You scoop up the floaty GLOBE THINGS and hover them around your HAT, something only a WIZARD could do, surely. Dang it, you are totally a WIZARD, aren't you? Lame. When you went LARPing with ALAN that one (AND ONLY) time, you learned that MAGES, ROGUES, and CLERICS suck. FIGHTERS are the only cool ones, right? Punch the problem until it is no longer a problem! Repeat as needed! But no, apparently you're a freaking MAGE. If RHYS saw you in this HAT, casting spells, he'd never let it go. Back to the FLOATY THINGS, you have no idea if they're giving you any SWEET BONUSES or not. Come to think of it, how many HIT POINTS do you have? You're a WIZARD, so you're probably squishy....


And besides, you're down to just over half of your MANA left. Apparently, each of your three SHIELD BASHES used two and--- wait, wouldn't that make 14 left? Gah, math. Whatever.

You rip off the CAT DEMON'S HORN THINGS from his HAT (which didn't turn to dust) and fit them easily into PADDINGTON'S MOUTH. Now he's a STUFFED HIPPO (WITH HORN AND GOLD TEETH). Awesome!

Now that you have time, you decide to attend to the dead guys. Your GREEN POTION should do the trick! Because nothing says MEDICAL EXPERTISE like RANDOM POTION DUMPING!


This one's for all your homies on the other side. You pour.

So... no dice.

CAD: Huh. I thought that would do something.
GW: If you're done disrespecting my fallen soldier's bodies, can we move on?
CAD: Yeah, I guess.

Disappointed, you depart through the DOORWAY to the right, scooping up the 16 VARIOUS MONIES from the CAT DEMON as you pass.


Monday, August 16, 2010

165 - Finish HIM

CAD: Any last words? Or dog got your tongue?
CD: You... fool. My brother will end you--- wait, don't you mean "cat" got your tongue?
CAD: What?
CD: I--- you--- just do it, wizard.
CAD: Fine.

CAD: See you in purgatory!

With a final, deadly shield bash, the CAT DEMON turns to a pile of bloody dust. It looks like the GRIZZLED WARRIOR has finished off the other LITTLE DEMON GUYS.

GW: Well, wizard, that was a pretty snappy one-liner, there, working in the "purr" thing.
CAD: What are you talking about?
GW: Purr-gatory? That has both that "purr" that he kept working with, and "gato," which is Spanish for "cat."
CAD: I have no idea what you're talking about.
GW: . . .
CAD: . . .
GW: You know what, let's just move on, shall we?


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


CAD: OK, OK, OK, dog. How's about this: why are you attacking the castle, cat dog?
CD: Ah, good question. Hopefully it will help me recover from that duck nonsense.
GW: Wizard, we don't have time for this.
CAD: Shh, man. Just... shh.
CD: It's fairly straightforward, really. By some purr-verse twist of fate, the King has actually managed to establish a functional government here in the north, completely separate from, yet at peace with, Purr-sident Rapsknuckle's government down in Central. The people up here are happy, basically, despite the constant danger and purr-el. Now, our evil daemon purr-view would rather see the people killed, their animals dead, and their meager inventories purr-loined. It's our hope that if the King is killed, the common purr-ception will be that no one here is safe, possibly creating an increase of unease of at least 45 purr-cent. So, under flag of truce, we began our purr-fidious attack, some of our soldiers entering while the rest established a purr-imeter to keep anyone from escaping. Our siege weapons began their purr-cussive strikes on the wall at the same instant our daemons inside attacked the purr-sonell guarding them, simple since the guards had been purr-suaded to purr-mit our daemons to retain their purr-sonal effects and weapons. I must say, the literal backstabbing is a nice purr-k of being a daemon. Since you may be curious, the Queen and Princess are only purr-iferal to our plans, but we'll probably be sure they purr-ish... perish as well. To summarize, we want this kingdom to fail. Purr-manently. So as you can see---


>Continue the ASSAULT

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

162 - Broach STRANGE TOPIC

You decide to steer the topic towards something that's been bothering you for ages. Technically, for over 150 years (though you don't actually know that).

CAD: So, have you seen a Duck around here anywhere?
CD: A... what?
CAD: A Duck, white, like, has an orange beak? Red eye? Little smaller than Pad-Bro-Pad here?
CD: What are you talking about?
GW: Are you daft, son?
CAD: No, no, like, just listen. So, there's this Duck.
CD: . . . .
GW: . . . and?
CAD: And it, like, follows me around and stuff? Sometimes it steals things? Look, I think it's out to get me.
CD: . . . OK.
CAD: So, have you seen it? I mean, it might be trying to kill us all. Bite us. Like, to death. Dead dead.
CD: Ducks don't have teeth, wizard.
CAD: How do you know? Maybe it's just this Duck! It's been following me around forever, I think. I'm not sure, of course, 'cause whenever I look it disappears.
GW: You. Are. Daft.
CD: Is there a point to this? To be purr-fectly frank, I'm not seeing one.
CAD: It's a Duck!
GW: There is no duck. You're getting off track, stupid fool. Are we going to attack?
CD: Or talk some more? As long as you don't purr-sist with this dumb duck line of questioning, I'm still willing to chat.


Monday, August 9, 2010

161 - Begin PARLEY

Quickly, you order PADDINGTON to use his VEVUZELA if the CAT DEMON tries to cast anything. You also scribble a new spell on your hands, hopefully bringing up a SHIELD by casting "NICK FURY." Preparations hastily complete, you decide to PARLEY.

CAD: Yo, cat demon! What's up?
GW: Wait, you know he's a candaemon and you still want to talk? What's wrong with you? We have royalty to save!
CD: Purr-haps the wizard is wise enough for beg for his life?
GW: Huh? Naw, that's not what I was gonna do.
CD: No? Not trying to purr-chase your freedom? Fine, then. I'm purr-fectly willing to chat for a moment. What's on your mind, such as it is?


Sunday, August 8, 2010

160 - Choose QUEEN

You choose to rescue the QUEEN. For one thing, you really doubt that your PRINCESS is in this particular CASTLE. For another thing, the path to this QUEEN lady passes through the KITCHEN, and you're down to four SLICES OF PIZZ-AH left. The GRIZZLED WARRIOR approves of your choice (if not your reasons) and begins to give you directions to the KITCHEN.

Also, your POCKETS suddenly seem slightly lighter. That's strange... but there's no time to think about that now!
The two REDSHIRT GUARDS suddenly happen upon SPEARS through their CHESTS, possibly put there intentionally by someone! You quickly pull out your MAGIC MARKER and move to check the crap out of this dreadful situation.
Three MONSTER THINGEES block the exit to the ROOM. The two smaller ones you instinctively call SHORT DEMONS. The larger one with the weird cat face and WIZARD STAFF THING WITH FLOATY BALLS ON IT you deign to call CAT DEMON.

According to your knowledge of TV crime drama, these red fellows are the most likely suspects for the double homicide of the guards. (You feel this is important to establish, as pretending to follow police procedural makes you feel smarter for the three seconds before your attention span flares out and you forget all about police procedural. It's weird, this happens a lot, sometimes at inopportune moments. Like this one time--- oh, hey, DEMONS.)

The GRIZZLED WARRIOR holds back, possibly waiting to follow your lead, whatever it is. PADDINGTON SATCHMO HIPPOPOTAMUS THE FIRST does the same. What will you do?


Saturday, August 7, 2010

159 - "Oh yeah!"

You gesture towards the HOLE you made in the wall.


The GRIZZLED WARRIOR glances at the hole then back at you.

GW: A cool aid man? Ah, so the Academy finally deigned it necessary to send someone "cool" to aid us in our time of need? Typical. Castle and King are in danger and they send one lone mage to help us out. What's your name?
CAD: I'm--- oh, hey, P-Hip, give me some fanfare! My name is C---
GW: What? What did you say your name was?
CAD: I said, my name is Cad---
GW: Whatever, we don't have time for that right now. Are you up to speed on the situation?
CAD: Of course I am. I'm the great C---
GW: Gah! Have your familiar stop that or he and his stuffing will be soon parted! We've got a whole hoard of Candaemons and monsters assaulting the castle. The King's barricaded in the armory, the Queen is barricaded in the throne room, and the Princess is still in her tower, last I knew. I'm heading after the King, erm, wizard. You coming with me after the King or do you want to see about one of the others?
CAD: What?
GW: Three options: stick with me, get to the King in the Armory; head to the throne room through the kitchens and save the Queen; head up the tower through the thick of the battle and rescue the Princess. What'll it be, uh, whatever you said your name was?

>Choose QUEEN

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

158 - Hop through HOLE

You hop through the HOLE you made in the PUZZLE WALL, followed closely by PADDINGTON. You appear to be in a large HALLWAY of some sort, with a WINDOW at one end, and a series of SPHERICAL TOPIARY, which are really, really awesome. You can only assume that there is something else awesome behind you, but you've yet to turn around.

Oh, and hey, you realize that your MAGIC FALCON PUNCH SPELL THING took up 5 MANA. Gotta be more careful throwing those things around! As you used the spell, the MAGIC MARKER disappeared from your KNUCKLES. Looks like you can write other MAGIC WORDS on there if you wish, hopefully casting cheaper spells.

That BLAST made a lot of noise, even above the din of distant battle. Hmm. Wait, DISTANT BATTLE? This end of the HALL is cool and all, but you better turn around and see what's going on.
A GRIZZLED WARRIOR and two GUARDS stand before you, near a GUARD CORPSE back by the wall. It appears they were attracted by the noise of your SPELL. The GRIZZLED WARRIOR is pointing a SWORD at you threateningly.

GW: Stand down, wizard! Who are you? Where did you and that stuffed familiar come from? Answer me or die; I've no time to waste on the likes of you!

>"Oh yeah!"

157 - Use MAGIC, punch PUZZLE

You use your MAGIC MARKER to magic the heck out of your FISTS. You don't need a weapon if you've got these beauties.

If you've learned anything from your experiences, it's that SCIENCE is a load of HORSE CRAP. Sure, ALAN could probably deduce that the POWER BOX isn't grounded, the LASERS are not supposed to be active and the whole thing is some sort of COMPLICATED BUT FULFILLING TRAP that triggers when the whole ordeal short-circuits. But you're not ALAN, and you hate SCIENCE.

You have the WIZARD HAT.

You have the MAGIC MARKER.

You have...


You smash the WALL behind the PUZZLE with your MAGIC FINGERS.


Just... just yeah.

You are just that AWESOME.

Monday, August 2, 2010

156 - Wear HAT, Examine PUZZLE

That other handsome guy in the WICKED AWESOME BLUE ENSEMBLE looked pretty cool in that WIZARD'S HAT, so you pick ups yours and slip it on. You thought you might have seen something on the BED, so you hop up on top of PADDINGTON SATCHMO HIPPO (oh, you named him, then? Didn't feel like telling us? Jerk.) and take a look. Hmm. Nothing there now. You could have sworn there was a DUCK, but that's ridiculous. You're getting off track. Finally time to check out that PUZZLE on the wall.
All right. Let's do this thing. There are three LASER PROJECTORS to the left, able to be connected to a POWER SOURCE via ADJUSTABLE CIRCUITS. Hanging from two BUCKETS on a SCALE (which can probably be filled to change the balance and raise or lower) are strings with COLORED PRISMS (or BROWN WOODEN BLOCKERS). Presumably, the LASERS will pass through the COLORED PRISMS in an attempt to have properly colored LIGHT reach the proper RECEPTORS to the right. There are slots on the wall where GLASS ANGLES can be placed. The ANGLES pass half of the LIGHT through, while directing the other half in the direction of the ANGLE. Presumably you need light to be at full strength when it reaches the RECEPTORS in order to activate them, and all RECEPTORS must be lit up at once to release the KEY in the BOX, which will open the door. What COLORED LIGHT activates which RECEPTORS? There's no way to tell without EXTENSIVE TRIAL AND ERROR! You had better get started if you want to solve this COMPLICATED BUT FULFILLING PUZZLE!
>Use MAGIC, punch PUZZLE