Friday, June 30, 2017

409 - Eat CAKE, get DEMIPIKE, go WEST

You cram some CAKE into your GOB.

You pick up the DEMIPIKE off the STOOL and reequip it as a CRUTCH.

You proceed WEST with the PARTY (SKULLY).

It's all very straightforward. Kind of disappointing, really, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

>Arrive WEST

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

408 - Panic, learn HORRIBLE TRUTH

DAVE informs you that the PUNCH contains a healthful amount of FLUORIDE, which helps to protect your TEETH. He pockets his TOOTHBRUSH and heads towards the door to the WEST.

You realize that you were panicking for nothing. DAVE'S a GREAT GUY.

DAVE informs you that the DUCT TAPE is in the BOILER ROOM, just a few screens away. He says he'll wait for you on the LANDING outside of the BREAK ROOM, but you can feel free to poke around, eat CAKE, or do whatever in here before joining him. What a GREAT GUY!

DAVE goes WEST, leaving you alone. What do you do?

Monday, June 26, 2017

407 - Drink PUNCH

You down the rest of your PUNCH. You happen to notice that SKULLY has remarkably clean TEETH. Simultaneously, you also notice that a strange LOOK has come over THE FACE OF DAVE.

There's probably no connection here. Nothing to worry about. Silly to even... think... such... hmm.

You put down your empty EMPTY RED CUP. Dave turns back to look at you, smiling.

He asks if you noticed anything special in your DRINK.

>Panic, learn HORRIBLE TRUTH

Friday, June 23, 2017

406 - Accept PUNCH

You accept a CUP OF PUNCH. The pinkish/purplish beverage is moderately tasty, if a bit sweet. Sadly, sipping it does not reinvigorate you the same way as, say, consuming an entire fully-cooked CHICKEN found by smashing open a BARREL.

You ask DAVE if he has any DUCT TAPE with which you could fashion for yourself a RUDIMENTARY SPLINT for your broken LEG. DAVE laughs. Of course he has DUCT TAPE! He didn't bring it to the BREAK ROOM, though. He didn't expect to need it at the PARTY.

Noting what he did, in fact, bring with him, you ask him what the DEAL is with the TOOTHBRUSH.

For a time, he doesn't reply.

Silently, Dave puts down his punch and hat, drawing the toothbrush from his pocket. His movements are smooth and deliberate, performing an action he had perfected a thousand times before. His countenance, sorrowful, is that born of a grief too deep to bear, a grief that each moment threatens its bearer's very soul. He turns away, contemplating the object of his despair. His stare goes beyond the toothbrush, beyond the walls of the break room, beyond the temple itself and through time to something in the past so drenched in sadness that even its reflection in his one good eye is almost enough to bring a man to tears. Finally, his voice, scarred by torments echoing across the gulf of time, wrenches itself from the very depths of Dave's being.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth," Dave says.
>Drink PUNCH

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

405 - Inquire about much-needed MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

You've been a real TROOPER about this whole "broken leg" thing, but the fact is, it is three or four hundred percent more painful than you've been letting on. You ask Dave (as he fetches himself a REFILL) whether (A) he is a DOCTOR or (B) if there is a MEDICAL FACILITY nearby. Dave laughs at the very NOTION that he is a DOCTOR and informs you that he's the HANDYMAN of the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENT WEAPON. It's his job to keep everything up and running (and that ain't easy, mind you). There used to be a DOCTOR on site, but that was before the vicious series of deathtrap-related accidents that killed most of the STAFF in horrific sacrifices to sate the never-ending thirst of the dark---

Dave remembers his MANNERS and offers you PUNCH.

Would you like some punch?

>Accept PUNCH

Monday, June 19, 2017

404 - Don PARTY HAT

Of all available PARTY HATS, the blue and brown HAT with yellow and purple border and three yellow spots appeals most to you. You pull it out from behind the STACK OF HATS and put it on top of your UNIFORM HAT. You proceed to give your next three favorite PARTY HATS to SKULLY, so that he is now wearing a purple, red, and blue STACK OF HATS. Your least favorite PARTY HAT, the GREEN PARTY HAT, remains forlorn upon the TABLE. Stupid GREEN PARTY HAT.

As you admire your HAT on your HAT, DAVE chats with SKULLY. They've really hit it off!

>Inquire about much-needed MEDICAL ASSISTANCE

Friday, June 16, 2017

403 - Wish DAVE a happy BIRTHDAY

Judging by contextual CLUES, the FELLOW in the ORANGE JUMPSUIT with the GLASS EYE is named DAVE and this is a BIRTHDAY PARTY. Is it a party for him? A party for someone else? The MERCENARY doesn't know, but decides to jump in with both FEET (including the broken one). He wishes "DAVE" a happy BIRTHDAY.

DAVE accepts the felicitations. He excitedly introduces himself as "Dave" and welcomes the MERCENARY to his BIRTHDAY PARTY. He's so glad to have another GUEST! While he'd be happy to give you some CAKE and PUNCH, he's afraid that the regulations demand all guests wear a PARTY HAT.

The MERCENARY agrees. Following PROTOCOL is essential. He moves to select a properly-colored HAT.


Wednesday, June 14, 2017


Poking the TRASH HOLE with the DEMIPIKE is clearly the most pressing course of action. Anything else would be simply irresponsible.

You have acquired: PICKLE

>Wish DAVE a happy BIRTHDAY

Monday, June 12, 2017

401 - Go through POSTER

You pass through this second POSTER and find yourself and SKULLY in some kind of BREAK ROOM. Along one side, you can see the HYDRAULIC PRESSES which moved the WESTERN SPIKED WALL of the PIT TRAP. Beside you is an EMPLOYEE TRASH HOLE and a SODA MACHINE (INOPERABLE).

At the southern end of the room, a MAN in an ORANGE JUMPSUIT and ORANGE PARTY HAT seems excited. The TABLE beside him features CAKE, a CEREMONIAL CAKE DAGGER, PLASTIC CUPS, and a PUNCH BOWL filled with (presumably) PUNCH. A selection of PARTY HATS of various colors sits nearby.

Exits are WEST, DOWN, and AIR DUCT.

What do you do?


Friday, June 9, 2017

400 - Check behind THIS sign

Yep. It's another way out. Cheeky deathtrap architects.


>Go through POSTER

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

423 - Go through POSTER

Clambering through the torn POSTER, you find yourself in a small CRAWL SPACE, barely large enough for yourself, your DEMIPIKES, and SKULLY THE SKULL. As the SPIKED WALLS close behind you in the PIT, you breathe an uneasy SIGH OF RELIEF. You've escaped, but a SIGN on the WALL implies that you are not safe just yet.

Oh, and you left PLANTY THE PLANT behind. You hope he's OK.

(He's not.)
>Check behind this SIGN

Monday, June 5, 2017

398 - Assault POTTED PLANT

In your fury at this ridiculous predicament, you knock over the POTTED PLANT with your SINISTER DEMIPIKE. This happens to drag the BLADE across the POSTER, cutting a large, sinister SLASH through it, which happens to reveal a large, sinister post-POSTER space behind it. It's too dark to see where the space leads.

Shortly thereafter, a ROPE is lowered down into the PIT (a veritable DEUS EX TUMICLA). Could this be the CAPTAIN actually helping for once? Or perhaps something far... more... sinister?
  • If you enter the SPACE behind the POSTER, turn to page 423.
  • If you climb the ROPE, turn to page 518.
  • If you wait to see how this whole CRUSHING WALL thing plays out, turn to page 239.

Wait, no, that's not right. What do you do?

>Go through POSTER

Friday, June 2, 2017

397 - Upgrade PIKE, escape PIT

Utilizing the modular blade system inherent in your late-model PIKE, the MERCENARY attaches and locks in the CARBON FIBER REINFORCED POLYMER SPIKE. With both ends spike-ified, you stick the PIKE between the SPIKED WALLS. When the walls are closed enough, the PIKE braces against them, forming a semi-stable platform.

The CAPTAIN, taking both DECORATED SKULLS, climbs up onto the PIKEFORM from on top of the MERCENARY'S HEAD. The CAPTAIN half-heartedly says some platitudes about coming back for the MERCENARY before climbing up onto the SECURITY CAMERA and out of the PIT.

The MERCENARY, despite his broken LEG, begins to formulate a PLAN to climb up when, with a snap, the PIKE fractures.
Aw, snap.