You walk over to HENRY and ask for his SHORTS. He... declines. But, he pulls out a spare pair of SHORTS from the bar's LOST AND FOUND, which he maintains. They're not quite your style, but they're better than wandering around in just your BOXERS.
ALAN: Thank you.
You noticed a PRESIDENTIAL SEAL on the TELEVISION and ask the OVERWEIGHT SKELETON (how does that work?) to stay on channel two. Whatever the PRESIDENT has to say, it might be important.
Oh my. He has quite a PRESIDENTIAL MUSCULATURE.
(Another skippable wall of text. Hooray! The first comment afterward is an Executive Summary, so you can just read that. It's like a paragraph, tops. ---Editor)
PRESIDENT PHILEMON RAPSKNUCKLE: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Both I and our nation are strong. The attack on my life earlier this evening has failed, and I come before you in this time of crisis to bring illumination to the darkness of our collective fears and work to explain the facts of our circumstances.
We find ourselves in the unenviable position of a lion beset on all sides by jackals. Here at home, an attempt was made to kill my by a crack squad of ninja assassins bearing the mark of the Invisible Shogun's elite guard. While I managed to disrupt the attack with a combination of flying arm drops, presidental press bench slams, and snapbomb neckbreaker strikes, the audacity of the attack will live in infamy. Simultaneously, similar attacks are being carried against our allies in the North and South. To the North, Candaemons have struck the Royal Castle; the state of the monarchy is currently indeterminable. To the South, our ally the Pirate Lord, Silver Jim Pegbeard, has been confirmed killed in a similar strike. We are currently attempting to contact his successor and wish them our support in these trying times.
This evening before the attack on myself, I received notification from the Eastern Ambassador from the Invisible Shogun. He told me in no uncertain terms that the Shogun has declared himself and his nation sovereign in direct rebellion to the spirit and fact of our Union States. I cannot accept this. The timing, the pattern, and the very history between us leads me to only one conclusion. Whatever assaults are taking place in the North, in the South, and here in the City, the Shogun is either behind them or in league with they that are. The facts will not cease to exist if we choose to ignore them. There is only one course of action which bears the mark of proper, proportional response to this intelligence.
Today we make war upon the Invisible Shogun and his forces. Our world balances too near the edge of destruction, and we cannot allow cruel apocalyptic winter to once more fall upon us. We must act, decisively and in utmost earnest.
Shogun: We will destroy you if need be. Our forces are prepared to drop you in a massive suplex the like of which the world has never seen. Assorted Daimyo of the East: Your master has committed an unforgivable folly. He has dishonored himself and your nation. Side with the Union States and together, we shall fly from the turnbuckle of justice and take this madness to the mat. The evil of the world is made possible by nothing but the sanction you give it. Take back your sanction and your honor.
Citizens of our great and illustrious Union States, I will make something perfectly clear. The spread of evil, be it in the form of Candaemon, of betrayal by our allies, or in the form of the true darkness which aggrieves us, can only function because of a vacuum. Whenever evil wins, it does so only by default. It is by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles. Our nation is founded on basic principles of freedom and self-determination in mutual defense of our lives and our ideals. Today and in the coming weeks, as we work to help our allies around the world and work to keep our Union together and strong, we will defend our ideals with all the strength and resolve that our great nation can muster.
Thank you. Good fight and good night.
The PRESIDENT'S heavy metal EXIT MUSIC is cued and he departs the ROOM amidst crazy STOBING LIGHTS.